Admission Essays

Sample Business School Essay

2007-01-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

Describe your reasons and motivations for pursuing a graduate degree in your chosen program of study. What experiences led you to your research ambitions? Concisely state your past work in your intended field of study and in related fields. Briefly indicate your career objectives. Your statement should not exceed 1,000 words.

"We don't need to take this analysis any further, especially since the client isn't paying for additional work."

I was dumbfounded. An idealistic graduate of Dartmouth College, I had imagined that the business world would provide an excellent learning environment in which to explore and apply my theoretical training. I was wrong. Working as a consultant in BCG's Mergers and Acquisitions Transaction Advisory Group, I constantly had to keep my anger and disappointment in check when my manager vetoed my attempts to conduct an intricate or more appropriate project analysis. Finding BCG to be an intellectual hinterland obsessed with churning out mediocre evaluations at a blistering pace, I constantly asked myself, "Is this really what I want to be doing?" The answer to that question--and my deep commitment to intellectual inquiry--led me to make an important decision in my life.

With the learning potential of my consulting position exhausted, I began considering the advantages of a return to academia. I was still interested in finance and economics, and I wanted to pursue a program in which I could apply my real-world experience. Unlike other colleagues who had returned to business school, however, I was uninterested in pursuing wealth at the expense of the other passions in my life. After careful examination, I realized that my passions lay in experimentation, in using complex analysis to test and refine theories. At BCG, this was impossible because of impediments such as frequent deadlines, incessant client demands, and stifling management. Since working as a consultant was becoming tedious and uninteresting, I resolved to move on and seek a more engaging opportunity.

The day I left BCG, I was ecstatic. I felt as if I were finally free to pursue my intellectual interests. Although some may consider unemployment to be a depressing period, I relished my newfound freedom, exploring opportunities I hoped would satisfy my interests and goals. Through the Ameritech Corporation, I started my own business distributing discounted dental and vision plans. Running every phase of a new business was thoroughly engrossing and exciting. I developed financial business models tailored specifically to my personal business, and I studied the strategies of other successful business owners. Poring over books and magazines in bookstores and libraries, I taught myself the fundamentals of entrepreneurship and the nuances of financial planning. Realizing that I was enjoying my new endeavor because it combined elements of both the academic and professional worlds, I decided that the next logical move for me would be to attain higher education in business practices. Researching several graduate programs, I concluded that XXX's Ph.D. program in Business Economics was my best option because it provided intense academic study within the parameters of applicable business theory.

My revived interest in academic study recalled the enriching experience I had had as an undergraduate at Dartmouth. Surrounded by intellectually engaging individuals from diverse backgrounds, I had developed an intense love of academic pursuits, especially finance and economics. Each semester, I hunted down professors, seeking to discuss economics and how the theories we were learning in class applied to the realities of the financial world. My passion for research grew out of my senior honors thesis entitled, "Picking Stocks Using Fundamental and Technical Analysis." I sought to prove that playing the stock market through technical analysis could substantially increase portfolio returns, even during turbulent economic periods. As I read through numerous case studies, including those from XXX Business School, I began to see how modern business practices adapt to and transform new economic theories in a synergistic, symbiotic process. By the time I concluded my thesis research in April 2001, I had achieved a fifty percent return on my portfolio despite the precipitous drop of the stock market. Exuberant over the success of my first major research project, I knew that I would pursue research interests in the not-so-distant future. At the age of nineteen, after only two and a half years of college, I became the youngest student in my class to graduate, and I did so with honors.

I also experienced the joys of teaching and spreading my love of research to others at Dartmouth. During my junior and senior years, I tutored fellow students while juggling a schedule that included two internships. To build on this experience, I conducted numerous broker-training courses in my recent role at the Ameritech Corporation. The goal of my course was to show my colleagues how to incorporate the financial model I created for my business into their own strategic business plans. A number of my students have increased their sales volumes by over fifty percent as a result of implementing my strategies. Whenever I teach, I experience a close feeling of kinship with my students and enthusiastically convey my material in a manner that allows them to experience my love of learning.

XXX's combination of superior faculty, state-of-the-art facilities, and diverse student body makes it the ideal environment in which to broaden my knowledge of business economics. The Business Economics Ph.D. program will give me the training to perform research in financial modeling and valuation methodologies, including complex topics such as the Black-Scholes option-pricing model. Of particular interest to me is Professor Vousden's project, "The Impact of EPS Accretion and Dilution on Stock Prices." Armed with an undergraduate degree in economics and significant professional experience, I have the background and commitment to succeed in XXX's rigorous Business Economics program.

Lesson Seven: Editing and Revising : Final Steps

2007-01-02T15:32:00.000-08:00

Read Your Essay Out Loud: To help you polish the essay even further, read it out loud. You will be amazed at the faulty grammar and awkward language that your ears can detect. This will also give you a good sense of the flow of the piece and will alert you to anything that sounds too abrupt or out of place. Good writing, like good music, has a certain rhythm. How does your essay sound? Is it interesting and varied or drawn out and monotonous?

Have Your Essay Professionally Edited: After spending hundreds of dollars on test prep courses and guidebooks, you must be extremely confident if you decide not to seek a professionals advice on the most controllable aspect of the entire application.

Lesson Seven: Editing and Revising - Real Essay Gaffes (Funnies)

2007-01-02T15:31:00.000-08:00

"Proofread! Have others proofread! Spell check! It’s stunning how many people have careless, even really obvious typos in their statements. It makes the applicant look sloppy, uninterested, unintelligent." - Admissions Officer

You would be amazed at the things that get written in admissions essays-even at the top schools. The following is a list of some of the funniest mistakes found by the admissions officers on our team. Remember that behind the hilarity of these errors lurks a serious message: always proofread your essays! Otherwise, you will get the same reaction that these other applicants did: “It makes you wonder if these kids care about their essays at all,” said one of our staff. “I never know whether to call it apathy or ignorance,” said another “but either way, the impression is not good.” Then again, at least they got a laugh!

· Mt. Elgon National Park is well known for its rich deposits of herds of elephants.

· I enjoyed my bondage with the family and especially with their mule, Jake.

· The book was very entertaining, even though it was about a dull subject, World War II.

· I would love to attend a college where the foundation was built upon women.

· The worst experience that I have probably ever had to go through emotionally was when other members of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and I went to Pennsylvania for their annual pigeon shooting.

· He was a modest man with an unbelievable ego.

· Scuba One members are volunteers, but that never stops them from trying to save someone’s life.

· Hemingway includes no modern terminology in A Farewell to Arms. This, of course, is due to that fact that it was not written recently.

· I am proud to be able to say that I have sustained from the use of drugs, alcohol and tobacco products.

· I’ve been a strong advocate of the abomination of drunk driving.

· If Homer’s primary view of mortal life could be expressed in a word it would be this: life is fleeting.

· Such things as divorces, separations, and annulments greatly reduce the need for adultery to be committed.

· It is rewarding to hear when some of these prisoners I have fought for are released, yet triumphant when others are executed.

· Playing the saxophone lets me develop technique and skill which will help me in the future, since I would like to become a doctor.

· However, many students would not be able to emerge from the same situation unscrewed.

· I look at each stage as a challenge, and an adventure, and as another experience on my step ladder of life.

· “Bare your cross,” something I have heard all my life.

· There was one man in particular who caught my attention. He was a tiny man with ridiculously features all of which, with the exception of his nose, seemed to drown in the mass of the delicate transparent pinkish flesh that cascaded from his forehead and flowed over the collar of his tuxedo and the edge of his bow tie.

· Take Wordsworth, for example; every one of his words is worth a hundred words.

· For almost all involved in these stories, premature burial has had a negative effect on their lives.

· I know that as we age, we tend to forget the bricklayers of our lives.

· I would like to see my own ignorance wither into enlightenment.

· Another activity I take personally is my church Youth Group.

· The outdoors is two dimensional, challenging my physical and mental capabilities.

· Going to school in your wonderfully gothic setting would be an exciting challenge.

· My mother worked hard to provide me with whatever I needed in my life, a good home, a fairly stale family and a wonderful education.

· I hope to provide in turn, a self motivated, confident, and capable individual to add to the reputation of Vasser University whose name stands up for itself. [Note: the correct spelling is Vassar].

· Filled with Victorian furniture and beautiful antique fixtures, even at that age I was amazed.

· They eagerly and happily took our bags, welcomed us in English, and quickly drove us out of the airport.

· Do I shake the hand that has always bitten me?

· In the spring, people were literally exploding outside.

· Freedom of speech is the ointment which sets us free.

· I first was exposed through a friend who attends [school].

· As an extra, we even saw Elizabeth Taylor’s home, which had a bridge attaching it to the hoe across the street.

· Under Activities: Volunteer (Retarded totor)

· Name of Activity: Cook and serve homeless

· On a transcript: AP Engllish

· Misspelled abbreviation on another transcript: COMP CRAP (computer graphics)

· Handwritten on an interview form under Academic Interests: Writting.

Lesson Seven: Editing and Revising - What To Look For When Revising

2007-01-02T15:28:00.001-08:00

When editing, make sure to pay careful attention to:

Substance
Structure
Interest
Proofreading

SUBSTANCE

Substance refers to the content of the essay and the message you send out. It can be very hard to gauge in your own writing. One good way to make sure that you are saying what you think you are saying is to write down, briefly and in your own words, the general idea of your message. Then remove the introduction and conclusion from your essay and have an objective reader review what is left. Ask that person what he thinks is the general idea of your message. Compare the two statements to see how similar they are. This can be especially helpful if you wrote a narrative. It will help to make sure that you are communicating your points in the story. Here are some more questions to ask yourself regarding content.

Have I answered the question asked?
Do I back up each point that I make with an example? Have I used concrete and personal examples?
Have I been specific? (Go on a generalities hunt. Turn the generalities into specifics.)
Could anyone else have written this essay?
What does it say about me? After making a list of all the words you have used within the essay -- directly and indirectly -- to describe yourself, ask: Does this list accurately represent me?
Does the writing sound like me? Is it personal and informal rather than uptight or stiff?
Regarding the introduction, is it personal and written in my own voice? Is it too general? Can the essay get along without it?
What about the essay makes it memorable?

STRUCTURE

To check the overall structure of your essay, conduct a first-sentence check. Write down the first sentence of every paragraph in order. Read through them one after another and ask the following:
Would someone who was reading only these sentences still understand exactly what I am trying to say?
Do the first sentences express all of my main points?
Do the thoughts flow naturally, or do they seem to skip around or come out of left field?

Now go back to your essay as a whole and ask these questions:
Does each paragraph stick to the thought that was introduced in the first sentence?
Does a piece of evidence support each point? How well does the evidence support the point?

Is each paragraph roughly the same length? Stepping back and squinting at the essay, do the paragraphs look balanced on the page? (If one is significantly longer than the rest, you are probably trying to squeeze more than one thought into it.)
Does my conclusion draw naturally from the previous paragraphs?
Have I varied the length and structure of my sentences?

INTEREST

Many people think only of mechanics when they revise and rewrite their compositions. As we know, though, the interest factor is crucial in keeping the admissions officers reading and remembering your essay. Look at your essay with the interest equation in mind: personal + specific = interesting. Answer the following:

Is the opening paragraph personal?
Do I start with action or an image?
Does the essay show rather than tell?
Did I use any words that are not usually a part of my vocabulary? (If so, get rid of them.)
Have I used the active voice whenever possible?
Have I overused adjectives and adverbs?
Have I eliminated clichés?
Have I deleted redundancies?
Does the essay sound interesting to me? (If it bores you, imagine what it will do to others.)
Will the ending give the reader a sense of completeness? Does the last sentence sound like the last sentence?

PROOFREADING

When you are satisfied with the structure and content of your essay, it is time to check for grammar, spelling, typos, and the like. You can fix obvious things right away: a misspelled or misused word, a seemingly endless sentence, or improper punctuation. Keep rewriting until your words say what you want them to say. Ask yourself these questions:

Did I punctuate correctly?
Did I eliminate exclamation points (except in dialogue)?
Did I use capitalization clearly and consistently?
Do the subjects agree in number with the verbs?
Did I place the periods and commas inside the quotation marks?
Did I keep contractions to a minimum? Do apostrophes appear in the right places?
Did I replace the name of the proper school for each new application?
Have I caught every single typo? (You can use your spell-checker but make sure that you check and re-check every change it makes. It is a computer after all.)

Lesson Seven: Editing and Revising - What To Look For When Revising

2007-01-02T15:28:00.000-08:00

When editing, make sure to pay careful attention to:

Substance
Structure
Interest
Proofreading

SUBSTANCE

Have I answered the question asked?
Do I back up each point that I make with an example? Have I used concrete and personal examples?
Have I been specific? (Go on a generalities hunt. Turn the generalities into specifics.)
Could anyone else have written this essay?
What does it say about me? After making a list of all the words you have used within the essay -- directly and indirectly -- to describe yourself, ask: Does this list accurately represent me?
Does the writing sound like me? Is it personal and informal rather than uptight or stiff?
Regarding the introduction, is it personal and written in my own voice? Is it too general? Can the essay get along without it?
What about the essay makes it memorable?

STRUCTURE

To check the overall structure of your essay, conduct a first-sentence check. Write down the first sentence of every paragraph in order. Read through them one after another and ask the following:
Would someone who was reading only these sentences still understand exactly what I am trying to say?
Do the first sentences express all of my main points?
Do the thoughts flow naturally, or do they seem to skip around or come out of left field?

Now go back to your essay as a whole and ask these questions:
Does each paragraph stick to the thought that was introduced in the first sentence?
Does a piece of evidence support each point? How well does the evidence support the point?

Is each paragraph roughly the same length? Stepping back and squinting at the essay, do the paragraphs look balanced on the page? (If one is significantly longer than the rest, you are probably trying to squeeze more than one thought into it.)
Does my conclusion draw naturally from the previous paragraphs?
Have I varied the length and structure of my sentences?

INTEREST

Is the opening paragraph personal?
Do I start with action or an image?
Does the essay show rather than tell?
Did I use any words that are not usually a part of my vocabulary? (If so, get rid of them.)
Have I used the active voice whenever possible?
Have I overused adjectives and adverbs?
Have I eliminated clichés?
Have I deleted redundancies?
Does the essay sound interesting to me? (If it bores you, imagine what it will do to others.)
Will the ending give the reader a sense of completeness? Does the last sentence sound like the last sentence?

PROOFREADING

Did I punctuate correctly?
Did I eliminate exclamation points (except in dialogue)?
Did I use capitalization clearly and consistently?
Do the subjects agree in number with the verbs?
Did I place the periods and commas inside the quotation marks?
Did I keep contractions to a minimum? Do apostrophes appear in the right places?
Did I replace the name of the proper school for each new application?
Have I caught every single typo? (You can use your spell-checker but make sure that you check and re-check every change it makes. It is a computer after all.)

Lesson Seven: Editing and Revising

2007-01-02T15:26:00.000-08:00

To Title or Not to Title?

Some essayists decide to add a title to their essay, although most do not. Titles are definitely not required, and if you are wondering whether or not to add one to yours, remember the old adage: when in doubt, leave it out.

Introduction

"If one thing could be perfect, it should be the essay." - Admissions Officer

Writing is not a one-time act. Writing is a process. Memorable writing comes more from rewriting than it does from the first draft. By rewriting you will improve your essay -- guaranteed. If you skimp on the rewriting process, you significantly reduce the chances that your essay will be as good as it could be.

Once you have taken a break from your essay, come back and read it through one time with a fresh perspective. Analyze it as objectively as possible based on the following three components: substance, structure, and interest. Do not worry yet about surface errors and spelling mistakes; focus instead on the larger issues. Consider reordering your supporting details, delete irrelevant sections, and make clear the broader implications of your experiences. Allow your more important arguments to come to the foreground. Take points that might only be implicit and make them explicit.

In order to figure out where revisions are necessary, you are going to need as many different sets of eyes to read your essay as possible. Whether it is you or one of your friends, family members or teachers, these questions will help guide your revision process.

Lesson Six : Conclusions

2007-01-02T15:25:00.000-08:00

The conclusion is your last chance to persuade the reader or impress upon them your qualifications. Endings are the last experience an admissions officer has with your essay, so you need to make those words and thoughts count. You should not feel obligated to tie everything up into a neat bow. The essay can conclude with some ambiguity, if appropriate, as long as it offers insights. The aim is for the admissions officer to leave your essay thinking, “That was a satisfying read.” Here are some Do’s and Don’ts as you develop your conclusion.

DOs

Expand upon the broader implications of your discussion. This could include the following strategies:
Consider linking your conclusion to your introduction to establish a sense of balance by reiterating introductory phrases.
Redefine a term used previously in your body paragraphs.
End with a famous quote that is relevant to your argument. Do not TRY to do this, as this approach is overdone. This should come naturally.
Frame your discussion within a larger context or show that your topic has widespread appeal.

Tie the conclusion back to your introduction. A nice conclusion makes use of the creativity you used in your introduction. If you used an anecdote in your intro, use the conclusion to finish telling that story.
Try to end on a positive note. You may want to restate your goals in terms of how they will be fulfilled at the institution to which you are applying.

DON'Ts

Summarize. Since the essay is rather short to begin with, the reader should not need to be reminded of what you wrote 300 words beforehand. You do not need to wrap up your essay in a nice little package. It should be an ending, not a summary.
Use stock phrases. Phrases such as, “in conclusion,” “in summary,” “to conclude,” belong only in dry, scientific writing. Don’t use them.
Try to Explain the Unexplainable. Your essay need not be so tidy that you can answer why people die or why starvation exists -- you are not writing a sitcom -- but it should forge some attempt at closure.

Before you move on to Lesson Seven of Editing and Revising, you should take a break. Let your draft sit for a day or two. You need to distance yourself from the piece so you can gain objectivity. If there is anything more difficult than trying to edit your own work, it is trying to edit your own work right after you have written it. Once you have let your work sit for a while, you will be better able to tackle the final steps of editing and revising.

Lesson Five - Introductions

2007-01-02T15:10:00.000-08:00

Introduction

Surprised to see introductions as the topic of our second-to-last lesson? Most writers find that it is nearly impossible to craft an essay by beginning with the introduction. The best leads often develop during and after writers have written the remainder of the essay.

Maybe a fantastic introduction or conclusion is caught floating around in the middle of your rough draft. Maybe you find that your essay does not even need an introduction or conclusion (see sidebar). More likely, however, it is in these later stages that you have a good sense of the way your essay is shaping up, all the way to the nitty-gritty details. Since beginnings and endings can be the most challenging and important part of any piece of writing, you will want to take advantage of a completed rough draft.

Part of the reason why introductions and conclusions are so difficult is that writers tend to worry about them too much. Writing teachers give so much attention to the need for a thorough introduction and a sharply drawn conclusion that anxious essayists compensate by going overboard. They feel that in order to appear mature and worldly, their essays must contain profound insights and sweeping observations.

While your introduction and conclusion need not provide the answers to every worldly problem, they do need to be engaging. Admissions officers may spend just a few minutes reading your essay. Your introduction must grab their interest from the beginning and your conclusion must make a lasting impression.

The introduction is the first sentence of your essay and it plays the dual role of setting the theme of your essay and engaging the reader. The introduction should not be overly formal. You do not want an admissions officer to start reading your essay and think, “here we go again.” Although admissions officers will try to give the entire essay a fair reading, they are only human -- if you lose them after the first sentence, the rest of your essay will not get the attention it deserves.

General Tips

Don’t Say Too Much. Just tell the story! Your introduction should not be so complex and so lengthy that it loses the reader before they even start. You have the rest of the essay to say what you want. There’s no need to pack it all into the first sentence. This leads to the next tip…
Don't Start Your Essay with a Summary. If you summarize, the admissions officer does not need to read the rest of your essay. You want to start your essay with something that makes the reader want to read until the very end. Once you have drawn the reader in through the first one to three sentences, the last sentence in your introductory paragraph should explain clearly and briefly what the point of the whole essay is. That is, why you are using this person, place, or thing. What does it say about you?
Create Mystery or Intrigue in your Introduction. It is not necessary or recommended that your first sentence give away the subject matter. Raise questions in the minds of the admissions officers to force them to read on. Appeal to their senses and emotions to make them relate to your subject matter.

Types of Introductions

Note: The below essays appear as they were initially reviewed by admissions officers.

Academic Introduction: This is the type of introduction you would use for a standardized test or a history paper. A typical standard introduction answers one or more of the six basic questions: who, what, when, where, why, and how. It gives the reader an idea of what to expect. You should try to stay away from simply restating the question unless you are limited by a word count and need to get to the point quickly. Your basic academic introduction or thesis statement is best used as the follow-up sentence to one of the more creative introductions described below.

Examples:

One of the greatest challenges I've had to overcome was moving from Iran to the United States. Iran was in deep political turmoil when I left, as it is today.

Comments: This introduction is clear and to the point, and will prepare your reader for the ideas you want to discuss. However, it is rather unexciting and will not immediately engage your reader. As mentioned, you should try to preface it with a more creative statement. In addition, it makes one typical error. One should usually avoid using contractions in a formal essay, for example, “I’ve.”

Through all of my accomplishments and disappointments, I have always been especially proud of the dedication and fervor I possess for my personal beliefs and values.

Comments: This is a very effective introduction to an essay about your personality. Mentioning pride is a good way to indicate how important your beliefs and values are to you. In a sentence like this, however, it would be better to use “Throughout” rather than “Through.” “Throughout” better expresses the widespread, expansive tone you want to give this sentence.

Creative Introduction: A creative introduction catches the reader off-guard with an opening statement that leaves the reader smiling or wondering what the rest of the essay contains.

Examples:

Imagine yourself a freshman in high school, beginning your independence. As the oldest child, I was the first to begin exploring the worlds of dating, extra-curricular clubs and upperclassmen. However, one afternoon my parents sat my two sisters and me down. They said…

Comments: The power of this introduction is that it places the reader in your shoes, making him or her more interested in what takes place in the rest of the essay. Its main mistake is that its informality gives the essay a slightly hokey or corny tone. Although a greater degree of informality is allowed in a creative essay, you must be careful not to take it too far.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

Comments: This introduction is both creative and effective. It amuses the reader by listing a bizarre and probably fictitious set of achievements, thus demonstrating the writer’s imagination (and poking fun at the admissions process). At the same time, its light tone avoids sounding too obnoxious. As a note, you should remember that good use of semicolons will impress your reader: “I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees; I write award-winning operas; I manage time efficiently.”

Action Introduction: An Action Introduction takes the reader into the middle of an action sequence. By not building up to the story, it forces the reader to read on to find out not only the significance of this moment in time, but what led up to and followed it. It is perfect for short essays where space must be conserved or for narrative essays that begin with a story.

Examples:

I promised God I would eat all my peas, but He didn’t care. A confused eleven-year-old girl, I sat and listened to my father pace. With each heavy step echoing loudly throughout the silent house, my family’s anxiety and anticipation mounted while awaiting news of my grandfather's health. My heart racing, I watched the clock, amazed that time could crawl so slowly. Finally, the telephone interrupted the house’s solemn silence. I heard my father repeating the words "yes, yes, of course." He then hung up the receiver and announced my grandfather's death and cancer's victory.

Comments: This is the kind of introduction that will immediately intrigue your reader because it begins with a very unusual declaration. The image of a little girl eating peas and hoping to acquire God’s help is charming while hinting at the solemnity of the situation described.

Surrounded by thousands of stars, complete silence, and spectacular mountains, I stood atop New Hampshire's Presidential Range, awestruck by nature's beauty. Immediately, I realized that I must dedicate my life to understanding the causes of the universe's beauty.

Comments: The first ten words of this essay will catch your reader’s attention, mainly because they create a mental image of perfect natural beauty. Note that you should try to avoid repeating key words. In this instance, it would be easy to avoid repeating the word “beauty.” You could simply use “magnificence” or “loveliness” instead.

Dialogue Introduction: Like the action introduction, the dialogue introduction brings the reader directly into the action, only this time in the form of dialogue. If you are writing about an influential figure in your life, you can mention a quote from this person that exemplifies the importance that he or she had on your life.

Examples:

"You must stop seeing that Russian girl, " I ordered my brother when he returned home last summer from the University of Indianapolis. Echoing the prejudiced, ignorant sentiment that I had grown up with, I believed it was wrong to become seriously involved with a person who does not follow the Hindu religion and is not a member of the Indian race.

Comments: Multicultural awareness is a key aspect of fitting in well at a university, and admissions officers are very aware of this. Thus, it is an excellent idea to mention how you expanded your cultural sensitivity. Beginning the essay by admitting that you were once less tolerant is a compelling way to demonstrate just how much you have grown as a person.

On the verge of losing consciousness, I asked myself: "Why am I doing this?" Why was I punishing my body? I had no answer; my mind blanked out from exhaustion and terror. I had no time to second-guess myself with a terrifying man leaning over my shoulder yelling: "You can break six minutes!" As flecks of spit flew from his mouth and landed on the handle bar of the ergometer, I longed to be finished with my first Saturday rowing practice and my first fifteen-hundred-meter “erg test.”

Comments: The power of this introduction comes from its attention to detail. The question “Why am I doing this?” gains support from every horrible detail: the exhaustion, the terrifying man, and the specks of spit flying from his mouth! With such strong supporting evidence, the quotation takes on a life of its own. Your reader will find himself thinking, “Why would anyone do that? I’d like to find out…”

Overarching Societal Statements: Rather than using a traditional thesis statement you can put forth a societal observation that ties into the theme of your essay. This can be very effective if the statement is unique and gives a glimpse into how you view the world. It can be detrimental if your statement is debatable or unclear. Make sure that if you use this form of introduction that no admissions office will take offense to it.

Examples:

High school is a strange time. After three years of trying to develop an identity and friends in middle school, students are expected to mature immediately on the first day of ninth grade.

comments: Be careful not to make statements in your introduction that seem too exaggerated or unrealistic. After all, no one expects a student to immediately mature on the first day of ninth grade. Moreover, if your reader senses that you attained most of your maturity at the beginning of high school, he or she might be less than impressed with your character development. It would be better to state, “students are expected to enter a new environment in which they must function with far greater maturity.”

To this day, the United States remains driven by the American Dream, and we often hear of immigrants who come to this country to search for opportunities that their native countries lack. In these tales, immigrants succeed through hard work, dedication, and a little luck. As idealistic as the story may seem, I have been fortunate enough to experience its reality in the life of one very important man. His example has had great impact on my personal expectations and goals, and the manner in which I approach my own life.

Comments: This is an excellent way to introduce a discussion of a person who has influenced you significantly. Instead of launching immediately into a list of this man’s excellent qualities and admirable accomplishments, this introduction lays the foundation for a comprehensive look at just why the man had such a profound impact on you. It also places the most importance on the American Dream, as is fitting in an essay like this one.

Art is a reflection of one's self-identity in the most unaffected manner. Because art is very personal, it has no right or wrong. The type of art that has influenced me most is music.

Comments: The first two sentences in this introduction set the kind of tone you want to maintain throughout your essay: introspective and creative. However, it moves on to a very boring and stilted structure in the third sentence. To keep the tone creative, you could replace that sentence with the following: “Although artistic expression can take many forms, it is music that has captivated me.”

Personal Introduction: The Personal Introduction takes the reader directly into your mind. It says, “This is what it is like to be me. Let me take you to my little world.” Since there is a little voyeur in even the most stern admissions officer, this type of introduction can be very effective. It is always in the first person and usually takes an informal, conversational tone:

Examples:

At times, I think the world around me is crumbling to the ground, but it never does. Like most people, I face the crunches of deadlines and endless demands on my time, but I have never encountered the type of adversity that can crush people, that can drive people crazy, that can drive them to suicide.

Comments: This introduction is indeed compelling, but it raises important questions about appropriate content. Be careful to avoid writing a personal essay that is far too personal. You do not want your reader to think that you might have character weaknesses that prevent you from handling stressful situations well.

I chuckle to myself every time I think about this. I am perceived as a mild-mannered, intelligent individual until I mention that I am involved in riflery.

Comments: Did the first sentence of this introduction confuse you? This was no doubt its intention. By creating a little mystery in the first sentence, the reader is forced to keep reading and keep wondering, “what is this kid’s secret?” until the final word, which pops in the reader’s mind, sort of like a gunshot: “riflery.”

Question Introduction: Many admissions essays begin with a question. While this is an easy way to begin an essay, admissions officers may perceive it as a “lazy introduction.” No one wants to read an essay that begins with such tacky material as: “To be or not to be?” or “Are you looking for an applicant who has drive and determination? Well, I’m your guy.” If you are going to use a question, make sure that it is an extremely compelling one and that your experiences provide answers.

Example:

Influence? Why is it that the people who influence us most influence us in ways that are not easily quantified? Through her work with abused children, my mother has shown me the heroism of selfless dedication to a worthy cause.

Comments: With one word, this introduction takes an essay question about the person who has most influenced you and turns it back around to the admissions board. In effect, you are telling them that you have thought about their question thoroughly. You have thought about it for so long that you have a couple of questions of your own - questions that have sparked an interesting commentary.

Quotation Introduction: Many writers are tempted to start their essay with a quote. You should try to resist this temptation, as most quotes will look forced. Admissions officers will be turned off if it is apparent that you searched through a book of famous quotes and came up with a quote from some famous philosopher about whom you know nothing. The quotation introduction is most effective when the quote you choose is unusual, funny, or obscure, not too long, and from those to whom you are closest. Choose a quote with a meaning you plan to reveal to the reader as the essay progresses. The admissions committee is interested in how you respond to the quote and what that response says about you.

Examples:

John F. Kennedy said, "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." I see academics as a similar two-way interaction: in the classroom, I will do much more than take up valuable space. Because of the broad range of experiences I have had, my knowledge of many subjects is thorough. These experiences will help me perform well in any class, as I have learned how to use my time efficiently.

Comments: This is a risky quote with which to begin an essay. After all, it is difficult to imagine a more time-worn or oft-repeated statement. However, this introduction goes on to apply this quote in a relatively unique manner. The contrast between such a standard quotation and such an interesting application will likely catch your reader’s attention.

"Experience is what you receive when you don’t get what you want." I remembered my father’s words as I tried to postpone the coming massacre. Just as during the fall of the Roman Empire, my allies became enemies and my foes turned into partners. In fast and furious action with property changing hands again and again, I rested my fate on the words of one man, hoping he would rescue me from this dangerous tailspin. Do these experts realize the heartbreak they are inflicting on my young life? While the uncertainty of tomorrow’s attire is the most pressing concern for many seventeen-year-olds, I must worry about much greater issues! It is August 31, the market is down over 300 points and the value of my stock portfolio is falling fast.

Comments: Quoting a person with whom you enjoy a close relationship is generally preferable to quoting a famous source. This passage’s strength comes from the brief, understated role that the quote plays. The short statement introduces the rest of the paragraph and presents the fundamental point, and then the essay moves on to examine specific details. This is the ideal role of a quotation.

Now it’s your turn. Select one of the above styles (or make up your own) and try to write an introduction to your essay. Spend some time picking the right style and choosing the best words possible.

Lesson four: Style and Tone - Essay Clichés

2007-01-02T15:01:00.002-08:00

Essay Clichés

Top 10 Essay Clichés

According to the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary, a cliché is “a trite phrase or expression,” “a hackneyed theme, characterization, or situation,” or “something that has become overly familiar or commonplace.” The last thing you want in your essay is any of the above. Clichés make your writing appear lazy, your ideas ordinary, and your experiences typical. Arm yourself with the list below and eradicate these and other clichés from your writing.

1. I always learn from my mistakes

2. I know my dreams will come true

3. I can make a difference

4. _________ is my passion

5. I no longer take my loved ones for granted

6. These lessons are useful both on and off the field (or other sporting arena)

7. I realized the value of hard work and perseverance

8. _________ was the greatest lesson of all

9. I know what it is to triumph over adversity

10. _________ opened my eyes to a whole new world

Lesson four: Style and Tone - Transitions

2007-01-02T15:01:00.001-08:00

Transitions

Applicants often ignore transitions to their own detriment. A good essay must use transitions within paragraphs and especially between paragraphs to preserve the logical flow of the essay. An essay without good transitions is like a series of isolated islands; the reader will struggle to get from one point to the next. Use transitions as bridges between your ideas. As you move from one paragraph to the next, you should not have to explain your story in addition to telling it. If the transitions between paragraphs require explanation, your essay is either too large in scope or the flow is not logical. A good transition statement will straddle the line between the two paragraphs.

You should not have to think too much about how to construct transition sentences. If the concepts in your outline follow and build on one another naturally, transitions will write themselves. To make sure that you are not forcing your transitions, try to refrain from using words such as, “however,” “nevertheless,” and “furthermore.” If you are having trouble transitioning between paragraphs or are trying to force a transition onto a paragraph that has already been written, then this may indicate a problem with your overall structure. If you suspect this to be the case, go back to your original outline and make sure that you have assigned only one point to each paragraph, and that each point naturally follows the preceding one and leads to a logical conclusion. The transition into the final paragraph is especially critical. If it is not clear how you arrived at this final idea, you have either shoe-horned a conclusion into the outline, or your outline lacks focus.

If you are confident in your structure, but find yourself stuck on what might make a good transition, try repeating key words from the previous paragraph and progressing the idea. If that doesn’t work, try this list of common transitions as your last resort:

If you are adding additional facts or information:

as well, and, additionally, furthermore, also, too, in addition, another, besides, moreover

If you are trying to indicate the order of a sequence of events:

first of all, meanwhile, followed by, then, next, before, after, last, finally, one month later, one year later, etc.

If you are trying to list things in order of importance:

first, second etc., next, last, finally, more importantly, more significantly, above all, primarily

If you are trying to connect one idea to a fact or illustration:

for example, for instance, to illustrate, this can be seen

To indicate an effect or result:

as a result, thus, consequently, eventually, therefore,

To indicate that one idea is the opposite of another:

nonetheless, however, yet, but, though, on the other hand, although, even though, in contrast, unlike, differing from, on the contrary, instead, whereas, nevertheless, despite, regardless of

When comparing one thing to another:

In a different sense, similarly, likewise, similar to, like, just as, conversely.

EXERCISE #7: TRANSITIONS

Connect the following sentences using an effective transition, when needed. (In some cases, the two sentences will be able to stand without a transition.)

Ordinarily, I took my responsibility seriously and would write down classmates' names to preserve the silence and decorum of the school environment.
When a different teacher walked in, a teacher known to punish too hard and painfully, I decided to save my friends from his hard strokes, and I erased all the names.

Despite the windy conditions and below freezing temperatures, I could not tear myself away from the awe-inspiring beauty of the cosmos.
Despite the frustration and difficulties inherent in scientific study, I cannot retreat from my goal of universal understanding.

But the sadness with which she responded, stating, "He died when he was a baby,” convinced me that it was true.
It affected me as nothing ever would again.

Finishing the test in an unspectacular six minutes and five seconds, I stumbled off the erg more exhausted than I had ever been. That night, I went home and caught a cold.
Had I followed my survivalist and rationalist instincts, I would have quit rowing then and there;

Immediately, I realized that I must dedicate my life to understanding the causes of the universe's beauty.
The hike taught me several valuable lessons that will allow me to increase my understanding through scientific research.

After my grandfather’s death, I began to understand and follow his sage advice.
I pulled out a picture of my grandfather and me at Disneyland.

Often, she had to work from dusk to dawn living a double life as a student and a financially responsible adult.
My mother managed to keep a positive disposition.

In addition to working and studying, she found time to make weekly visits to terminally ill and abandoned children in the local hospital.
My mother developed the value of selflessness.

My mother made me learn Indonesian, the official language of our country.
Also, she wanted me to develop interests in various academic and extracurricular fields.

Answers:

1) However; 2) Similarly; 3) The shock of this revelation at such a tender age; 4) That was three seasons ago. 5) In addition; 6) To cope with his passing; 7) Despite the burdens she faced; 8) From her experiences during college; 9) My mother did not only want me to have a broad knowledge of languages.

Lesson four: Style and Tone - Verb Tense

2007-01-02T15:00:00.001-08:00

Verb Tense

As you write your essay, remember to focus on verbs and keep adjectives to a minimum. Pumping your sentences full of adjectives and adverbs is not the same thing as adding detail or color. Adjectives and adverbs add lazy description, but verbs add action.

Passive Tense

Our editors find that one of the greatest weaknesses of admissions essays is their frequent use of the passive tense. For this mini-lesson you will learn why the passive voice should be avoided, how to identify it, and how to replace it with the preferred active voice.

Overuse of the passive voice throughout an essay can make your prose seem flat and uninteresting. Sentences in active voice are also more concise than those in passive voice. You can recognize passive-voice expressions because the verb phrase will always include a form of to be, such as am, is, was, were, are, or been. The presence of a be-verb, however, does not necessarily mean that the sentence is in passive voice. In sentences written in passive voice, the subject receives the action expressed in the verb; the subject is acted upon. In sentences written in active voice, the subject performs the action expressed in the verb; the subject acts.

EXAMPLES:
(Passive) I was selected to be the tuba player by the band leader.
(Active) The bandleader selected me to be the tuba player.

(Passive) I will be prepared for college as a result of the lessons my mother taught me.
(Active) My mother taught me lessons that will prepare me for college

(Passive) I am reminded of her voice every time I hear that song.
(Active) That song reminds me of her voice.

EXERCISE #4: STRONG VERBS vs. WEAK VERBS

Fill in the blanks using the most descriptive or active verb phrase.

1. After working closely with my mentor, I __________ advanced techniques in oil painting.

a) was beginning to master

b) began to master

c) mastered

2. My newspaper article on the labor strikes __________ both praise and criticism.

a) generated

b) got

c) was the recipient of

3. Once I joined the debate team, I __________ the opportunity to compete every weekend.

a) sought

b) had

c) was exposed to

4. Samuel’s touchdown __________ the stadium crowd.

a) created much energy in

b) energized

c) really energized

5. Woolf’s essay __________ my opinion of gender inequality.

a) challenged

b) made me take another look at

c) was challenging to

6. As Jessica drew near me, I __________ the baton and took off running.

a) grasped

b) got

c) was given

7. Once my mother had fallen asleep, I __________ the dolls on her nightstand.

a) put

b) arranged

c) set up

8. Chris and I __________ an educational project for first-graders in our community.

a) began

b) started

c) initiated

9. “Why didn’t you ask me before throwing it away?” Jason __________.

a) hollered

b) said angrily

c) started to yell

10. Mr. Franklin __________ that he was our true father.

a) let us know

b) told us

c) revealed

Answers:

1) c; 2) a; 3) a; 4) b; 5) a; 6) a; 7) b; 8) c; 9) a; 10) c;

Changing Passive Voice to Active Voice

If you want to change a passive-voice sentence to active voice, find the agent in the phrase, the person or thing that is performing the action expressed in the verb. Make that agent the subject of the sentence, and change the verb accordingly. For many instances of the passive voice in your essay, you can follow these steps:

1. Do a global search for the words “was” and then “were.” These words often indicate the passive voice.

2. Cross out the “was” or the “were.”

3. Add -ed to the verb that follows “was” or “were.”

4. If that changed verb does not make grammatical sense, it is an irregular verb, so change it to the simple past tense.

5. Rewrite the sentence around the new active-voice verb.

EXERCISE #5: MAKING SENTENCES MORE ACTIVE

Change these sentences from passive voice to active voice, or note if no change should be made.

1. I was taught by my brother the principles of barbecuing.

_______________________________________________________________

2. My father was given the title by the former head chief.

_______________________________________________________________

3. The house was wrecked by the party and the cat was let loose by the guests.

_______________________________________________________________

4. The house is a mess, the cat is lost, and the car has been stolen by Justin.

_______________________________________________________________

5. Unfortunately, my plan was ruined by Gerald, the building superintendent.

_______________________________________________________________

6. The roof was leaking. It had been leaking all week.

_______________________________________________________________

7. The ball was thrown by Lucy, who had been hiding in the bushes.

_______________________________________________________________

8. Francesca was placed on the first flight to Boston. Her father put her there.

_______________________________________________________________

9. “To be or not to be?” That is the question.

_______________________________________________________________

10. A feast had been created from nothing. I was astounded.

_______________________________________________________________

Answers:

1. My brother taught me the principles of barbecuing.

2. The former head chief gave the title to my father.

3. The party wrecked the house and the guests let the cat loose.

4. The house is a mess, the cat is lost, and Justin has stolen the car.

5. Unfortunately, Gerald, the building superintendent, ruined my plan.

6. No change.

7. Lucy, who had been hiding in the bushes, threw the ball.

8. Francesca’s father placed her on the first flight to Boston.

9. No change.

10. A feast had been created from nothing. This astounded me.

EXERCISE #6: PASSIVE-FREE WRITING

Write a 100-word essay on anything at all (preferably relating to your essay topic) without using any form of the verb “to be.”

Lesson four: Style and Tone - Sentence Variety

2007-01-02T14:51:00.000-08:00

Introduction

Over the years, our editors have seen some amazing stories become dreadfully boring and some ridiculously dry topics transform into an exciting read. The culprit (or hero): writing style. Witness the advice of some admissions officers:

Use a conversational style and easy-to-understand language to project a genuine, relaxed image.

Make sure that your essay is readable. Don’t make us work. Give your essay momentum-make sure that the parts work together and move to a point, carrying the reader along.

Don’t bore us. More often it is the monotonous style, and not the subject matter, that makes these essays dull.

A large majority of the corrections made by our editors fall into one of five categories: Sentence Variety, word choice, verb tense, transitions, and essay Clichés. If you weren’t paying attention in English class, here’s a refresher…

Sentence Variety

Many students think that the longer the sentence they write, the better the sentence. This is far from the truth. You do not need long, complicated sentences to show that you are a good writer. In fact, short sentences often pack the most punch. The best essays contain a variety of sentence lengths, mixed within any given paragraph. Try reading your essay out-loud, pausing at every period. Listen to the rhythm of your prose. Are all of the sentences the same length? If each of your sentences twists and turns for an entire paragraph, or you run out of breath at any point, break them up into smaller statements. You may also want to try a more methodical approach:

EXERCISE #3: SENTENCE VARIETY

Once you have completed your essay, try labeling each sentence “short” (under 10 words), “medium” (under 20 words), or “long” (20 or more words). A nice paragraph might read something like M S M L M S. A dry essay would be S S S M L L L.

Word Choice

Don’t Thesaurusize. The second trap into which many students fall is thinking that big words make good essays. Advanced vocabulary is fine if it comes naturally to you, and when used correctly in an appropriate context. After reading thousands of essays, admissions officers know which students have come up with difficult words by themselves and which have looked them up in a thesaurus.

Show, don’t tell. Too often, an essay with an interesting story will fizzle into a series of statements that “tell” rather than “show” the qualities of the writer. Students wrongfully assume that the reader will not “get it” if they do not beat to death their main arguments. Thus, the essay succumbs to the usual clichés: “the value of hard work and perseverance” or “learning to make a difference” or “not taking loved ones for granted” or “dreams coming true” or “learning from mistakes.” Such statements are acceptable if used minimally, as in topic sentences, but the best essays do not use them at all. Instead, allow the details of your story to make the statement for you. An example helps elucidate the difference:

In a mediocre essay: “I developed a new compassion for the disabled.”

In a better essay: “Whenever I had the chance to help the disabled, I did so happily.”

In an excellent essay: “The next time Mrs. Cooper asked me to help her across the street, I smiled and immediately took her arm.”

The first example provides no detail, the second example is still only hypothetical, but the final example evokes a vivid image of something that actually happened, thus placing the reader in the experience of the applicant.

Don’t Get Too Conversational. Slang terms, clichés, contractions, and an excessively casual tone should be eliminated from all but the most informal essays. The following excerpt gives examples of all four offenses:

You are probably wondering, what are the political issues that make this kid really mad? Well, I get steamed when I hear about my friends throwing away their right to vote. Voting is part of what makes this country great. Some kids believe that their vote doesn’t count. Well, I think they’re wrong.

In an essay like this one, in which you must show that you take things seriously, your language should also take itself seriously. Only non-traditional essays, such as ones in the form of narrative or dialogue, should rely on conversational elements. Write informally only when you are consciously trying to achieve an effect that conveys your meaning.

Don’t repeatedly start sentences with “I.” It is typical for the first draft of an essay to have many of the following type of sentence: I + verb + object, for example, “I play soccer.” If this kind of simple structure is used too many times in an essay, it will have two effects: your language will sound stunted and unsophisticated; you will appear extremely conceited -- imagine a conversation with someone who always talks about herself. The trick is to change around the words without changing the meaning. Here is an example:

Before: “I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard to learn difficult pieces. I learned about the effort needed to improve myself. I began to love music.

After: “I started playing piano at the age of eight. From the beginning, I worked hard to learn difficult pieces, and this struggle taught me the effort needed for self-improvement. My work with the piano nourished my love for music.

Don’t repeat the same subject nouns. When writing an essay about soccer (or leadership), do not repeatedly use the word “soccer” (or “leadership”). The repetition of nouns has much the same stunting effect as the repetition of “I” (see above). Look for alternative phrases for your subject nouns. For soccer, you might use vague synonyms (“the sport,” “the game”) or specific terms (“going to practice,” “completing a pass”). In the case of leadership, you could use phrases such as “setting an example,” or “coordinating a group effort.”

Lesson Three (Contd) : Templates

2006-12-17T12:34:00.000-08:00

Writing admissions essays is not formulaic; the best essays will have the most personal detail and passionate writing. However, if you are suffering from severe writer’s block and need help piecing together an effective essay, we have provided generic templates for the most common types of essays. If you stick strictly to these templates, you will end up with pretty awful essays; they are solely intended to jumpstart your writing in its earliest stages.

Warning: If you rely heavily on these templates in your final draft, you will write one of the worst admissions essays possible. Use these templates only to get your own creative juices flowing.

Describe An Influential Person

The person who has had the biggest influence in my life is _______. Because ______ was __________ he/she taught me __________ but also much about __________. I have been close to _______ ever since I was _____ years old and we ______. I feel a debt of gratitude to ________ for always being there for me through _________.

__________ has always been my role model. I have long admired his/her success in ________, _________, __________, and the way he/she ________. My goal in life is to be just like him/her, to get the most I can out of life. Because of ______’s strong influence, I find _________ fascinating. I am always impressed that he/she started __________ at my age and rose to be ____________ in just a few years. _______ has supported my interest in ________, and was very proud of me when I __________.

I also admire __________’s devotion to ____________. This was ___________ and quickly became _____________. This endeavor took up his/her life for ______________ until he/she _____________ in __________. Since then, ______________ has _____________ in part because of ___________’s efforts.

____________’s accomplishments have meant _________to me. __________ has been ___________ in my life, showing me that ___________ and ___________. I hope to inherit his/her virtues and _____________ in order to make him/her proud.

Discuss an Activity Outside of the Classroom

________ has been a crucial part of my life ever since ________. Back in _________ when I started ___________ I never imagined that __________. _________ used to encourage me/cheer me on/drive me back and forth as I practiced/continued to __________. During this time I met ___________, learned ____________, and became better at ______________.

The best part of ____________ is _________________ because ____________. Doing ____________ means __________. The __________ team/group/club/organization introduced me to __________. For most of my peers in _______, the goal was ____________. But for me, my main objective was ____________. I will never forget the time when I/we __________. This team/organization gave me the opportunity to _________ and learn ___________, which has benefited me in ___________.

In addition to the fun/competition/other, ___________ has confronted me with many challenges. I am not naturally a good ___________. I am not ______, _________, or _________. However, I discovered that in order to excel at ___________, I needed to ________. As a result, I am known on my team/organization as _________. Each day, I become stronger at ________ and _________.

Whether I continue _______ or not, I know that I have already built strong __________ and skills in ___________. My experiences with ___________ have taught me lessons that I can apply beyond ___________, and I will always have __________ for years to come.

Discuss an Issue of Importance

During the last __________ years, I have devoted a significant amount of time to ___________, an issue that is often _______________ because of ___________. In my quest to ____________, I faced many obstacles of my own such as ______________. But after _____________, I realized that I could _________________ and ______________.

One reason why this issue is so ________ is that ___________. Most people do not realize that _____________. Moreover, those who find themselves ___________ do not have ________________. With ___________ and ____________ people who/a society that is _____________ has little chance to ___________.

In this difficult ___________, I realized there were many _________________ who needed my ______________. By _______________, I helped ___________ to _____________. Finally, in ___________, I reached a turning point when I ____________ with ______________ at _____________. At this time, I had the opportunity to _______________. I helped with _____________ and ___________. I realized that in order to _______________, I had to _______________ and ______________. I started by ____________ and ____________, which had the affect of _____________ and ________________.

Since this time in _____________, I/we have accomplished/managed to/seen ____________. Many problems remain, such as ____________ and ______________. But with ____________ in mind, I know/our organization is prepared to/our society can ________________. My interest in __________ has taught me that I am __________, that my group is ___________, and that society/our culture is _______________. In the future, I would like to continue ____________ for the sake of ______________ and hope to incorporate ___________ into my time at ____________.

Lesson Three (Contd): Short Essay strategies

2006-12-17T12:30:00.000-08:00

Some schools require you to write a series of short essays rather than submit a single personal statement. If this is the case for you, then you should consider the impact that your essay set will have as a whole. You need to balance the structure and content of the set as much as you do within each essay individually. Yet, with these challenges come several advantages. More essays means more opportunity to sell yourself. Multiple essays give you ample space to do justice to all the different areas of your life, avoiding the pitfall of cramming too many points into one essay. And, you can take more risks being creative in one essay, while providing other traditional essays, thus appealing to readers with different tastes.

When you are required to answer multiple questions, there is often a strict word limit for each answer. But even though each essay is short, each one requires as much attention as long essays. The best way to approach a short essay is to write a regular, full-length essay and then cut it down. Let yourself write as long as you feel inspired, without time limits or length constraints. After you have the ideas on paper, go back and look for the pieces of gold buried under all of the words. Begin by reducing the introduction and the conclusion from one paragraph to one sentence each. Choose only the clearest, most direct parts.

Some short-answer questions ask for lists of activities, jobs, or honors. There are two approaches to answering such a question: the list and the paragraph. For each, provide complete information about the items you are listing, following the same format for each list. Include the activity, your involvement, and the time commitment. Make it clear that your activities have involved responsibility and effort. And don't worry about the number of activities you list -- when it comes to quality, less is often more.

We have stressed in numerous places throughout this course the importance of proofing your essays and getting feedback. While most applicants are stringent about taking this step after writing individual essays, some forget to apply the same advice to their essay set as a whole. Before you send in your application, assess the impression that your essays will make when taken together.

Are my main points evident?
Are there redundancies or apparent contradictions between essays?
Is a coherent image presented throughout the essays and does each essay contribute to the same image?
Is a consistent voice and style used throughout the essays? Does it sound as though they were written by the same person?
Does the essay set support the impression that is made in the rest of the application?

SAMPLE SHORT ESSAY SET 1:
Georgetown, Saudi International Relations

For many years, I have been interested in studying international relations. My interest in pursuing this field stems from several factors which have affected me. First, I have been exposed to international affairs throughout my life. With my father and two of my brothers in the Saudi Foreign Service, I have grown up under the shadow of inter-national affairs. Second, I am fascinated by history, economics, and diplomacy. I believe, through the study of international relations, I can effectively satisfy my curiosity in these fields. A third factor which has affected my interest in international relations is patriotism. Through the Foreign Service, I would not only have the opportunity to serve my country, but also have the chance to help bridge gaps between my country and others. Finally, as a Saudi living abroad, I have been bridging cultures throughout my life. This experience has taught me to look for differences to compromise and similarities to synthesize in order to balance different cultures. In short, I believe that my experiences in life, combined with a rigorous academic education, will enable me to pursue a successful career in the Saudi Foreign Service.

Georgetown, Favorite Class

At St. Albans, especially in our later years, we are given the freedom to choose from a vast array of classes. Using this freedom, I have selected classes which have personal significance to me, regardless of difficulty or appearance on my transcript. However, from these classes, one holds an extraordinary amount of value to me. This course is A.P. Omnibus History, a combination of American and European history. There are several reasons for my great interest in this class. First, I am fascinated by the cyclical nature of the past. I see these recurring political, economic, and social trends as a means of looking forward into the future, while allowing us to avoid the mistakes of the past. Second, history teaches many lessons about the nature of human behavior, both past and present, providing insight into the actions, desires, and aspirations of those around me. Finally, it lays a solid foundation for several disciplines, including political science, economics, and international relations, three fields of great interest to me.

Georgetown, Visual Arts

Another major interest of mine, which I have not had the opportunity to express elsewhere on my application, is the visual arts. Throughout high school, I have used a variety of media to express myself. I began with black and white photography, focusing on the presence of lines and balance in nature. For my work in this medium, I received an award at the St. Albans School Art Show. From photography, I moved on to glass etching. Using a sandblaster to etch the glass, I again concentrated on lines and balance in my works. Moreover, by arranging several glass panes into a sculpture, I moved my study into three dimensions, winning another Art Show award. Currently, I am working on canvas, using oil and acrylic in a Mondrian style, which is based on lines and balance. Eventually, I hope to explore the effects of combining these and other media, creating my own style of artistic expression.

Georgetown, Wrestling

In the past four years of my life, no activity has affected me more than wrestling. Four years of varsity wrestling and the honor of being a team captain has instilled many qualities in me. First, through years of hard work and continuous dieting, wrestling has given me discipline. This discipline has spread to other parts of my personality, including my moral character, work ethic, and perserverence. Another quality wrestling has given me is leadership. As a team captain, I have learned to lead by example, both on and off the mat. Above all, though, wrestling has given me a love of life. Through this sport, I have experienced pain, sacrifice, adversity, and success. Exposure to these feelings-which are, in my opinion, the essence of being-has allowed me to truly appreciate life. I hope to continue wrestling at Georgetown.

COMMENTS:

What immediately strikes the reader about this set-before even reading it-is the balance between the essays. Each answer contains only one paragraph, each of approximately equal length. The solid structure of each essay and the focus of each reflects this outward balance. Each one focuses on a completely different area of its writer’s life, another striking detail. The first focuses on his career goals, the second on his interest in history, the third on his interest in the visual arts, and the fourth on wrestling. This is a perfect example of the jigsaw puzzle approach. When put together, you have a well-rounded individual with passion, depth, and involvement in many different areas.

SAMPLE SHORT ESSAY SET 2:

Duke, Sports/Debate

Throughout my life, I have tried to be a well-balanced person. Growing up in the South, I had a hard time fighting the stereotypical image of a Chinese person. I was expected to be a math and science genius and nothing more. As it turned out, I defied my detractors by excelling in English and history along with math and science. And over the years, I have continued to maintain my academic standards.

Nevertheless, I have also made sure that I am more than an academic person. I am an active one as well. In middle school, the most popular game during lunch was a basketball game called Salt and Pepper (white vs. black). The first day of school, I stepped onto the basketball courts and was greeted by cries of consternation, “Who is he? Is he salt or pepper?” But after the game, I had made a name for myself. From then onward, I would be known as Spice, and the game we played became Salt, Pepper, and Spice.

When I moved to California, things were no different. I continued to play an active part both academically and socially. My involvement with Cross-country, Speech and Debate, Ultimate Frisbee and numerous clubs guaranteed that I would not be only known as an Honors student.

Like myself, Duke is much more than an academic institution; it is a living institution. I feel that I will be given the opportunity to excel both academically and socially. Duke is a university known for its rich history and strong academic program. And, at the same time, it is also known for its innovation and progressiveness. These are qualities which draw me to the college.

In addition, Duke and I have a lot in common. The two most important extracurricular activities I have are a major part of Duke University. Duke’s Speech team is known for its strong Extemp squad. I remember the time when my speech coach asked me what schools I was applying to. When I had listed my top five choices, he frowned at me and said, “Out of all those schools, I will only respect you if you either join us at Berkeley or go to Duke and extemp.” I hope I will be given the opportunity to contribute my part in the Duke Speech team.

Equally important, the Duke University has a well-known Ultimate Frisbee team. I look forward expectantly to becoming a part of the team. Strange as it seems, Ultimate Frisbee is one of my top criteria for choosing my future college. It delights me that Duke places such great emphasis on the two extracurricular activities that mean most to me.

My first year at Duke should be a great one. Majoring in economics at Duke should allow me to both pursue my major studies and allow me time for personal interests in Chinese and the Humanities. Moreover, in my spare time, I plan to join the Speech team and the Ultimate Frisbee team. Hopefully, with my previous experience, I will have an early start in both Speech and Ultimate. Yet, I will never forget why I’m in college in the first place. As long as I give organic chemistry a wide berth, I should be able to continue my level of academic excellence. Overall, my first year at Duke promises to be exciting, if a bit hectic.

Duke, Books

I find Hermann Hesse’s book, Narcissus and Goldmund, intellectually exciting. After reading the book last year, I remember putting it down and sighing contentedly. I had, after a sleepless night, finally finished. What I reveled in was not the fact that I could sleep, but that I had come away with an inexplicable something. It was not an understanding which could be pinpointed and explained. Rather, it was a sense I felt in the depths of my soul. And yet, what delighted me more was that I knew that I had only begun to understand the book; that there remained countless messages which I could only sense but not grasp. Here, finally, I had a book which could be re-read. And every time I finished, I would come away with a new understanding of something I could not put into words.

Unlike the normal academic, I do not want to find the final answer for everything. Throughout my life, I have always felt a sense of loss after succeeding in a long search. For me, it is not the ends I seek, but the means themselves. I am perfectly content to never find the final answer as long as I will always be able to find a better one.

Duke, Chinese Culture/Economics

Born in Taiwan, I came to the United States when I was five. Armed with only two words (“hello” and “popcorn”), I braved the uncertainties of a complex, new environment. Twelve years later, my vocabulary is considerably larger and I have adapted well to my surroundings. At the same time, I have neither forgotten my native culture nor its language.

My ties with my native Chinese culture remain as strong as ever. I visit my relatives in Taiwan regularly almost every summer and have traveled throughout China. And to everyone’s continuing surprise, I have yet to forget how to speak Mandarin. Nevertheless, twelve years in America has made its impressions upon me as well. I am as “American” as anyone my age. The songs I listen to, the sports I play, and the way I speak are all a reflection of that. In short, I am a combination of both East and West.

Nevertheless, I sometimes wonder whether speaking Chinese at home and visits in the summer are enough to maintain my ties with my native culture. Often, when I see my parents reading old Chinese literature or poetry, I feel that I am only in touch with half of what I am. This sense of loss has led me to seek out my old roots. I turn to the East to rediscover what I have lost.

Yet, I cannot resign myself to merely studying my own culture and language. I want to be able to apply my knowledge as well. To me, pursuing a career in business is a very pragmatic solution to my future welfare. My father is a businessman in Taiwan and I have had numerous opportunities to watch him work. Through him, I have discovered my own interests in the business field. I find the way business operates in the East to be very exciting. At the same time, my father has soothed my sense of morality by showing me that it is possible to be an honest businessman in Asia.

Before I learned about Duke, I had made up my mind to study economics and to ultimately pursue a career in international business. I had come to see this path as the best combination for fulfilling both my aspirations towards knowledge and my pragmatic goals of a future livelihood. China, my planned area of focus, is an expanding market with a dearth of skilled business professionals. But I had misgivings because I wanted a school with a strong focus on the humanities as well.

Thus, I find Duke University exciting and perfect for me. It gives me a strong economics curriculum, but still allows me to pursue my interests in the humanities. With economics at Duke University, I will have access to a wide array of studies both within and beyond my chosen major. I will have an edge in the business world by virtue of Duke

After attending Duke (if I am accepted, of course), I will have a clear path before me. My studies at Duke should virtually guarantee me for any graduate business school. And, after my graduate studies, I will be able to realize my dreams. Perhaps, I will be able to serve as a bridge between East and West.

COMMENTS:

These three well-written essays create a strong set. The first and the last would have been impressive on their own. Reading them all together magnifies their impact considerably. This student does an especially good job of targeting the school. This student focuses his first essay on his extracurriculars and relates them to why Duke would be perfect for him. He focuses the third on his Chinese background and how it relates to his career goals and academic interests. Then he also relates these interests to why Duke matches him perfectly. His favorite book provided the focus of the second essay. What makes this second essay better than others like it is that the applicant manages to put himself into the question. He does not just talk about the book, he uses it to talk about himself and stress the inquisitive nature of his personality-always a plus.

SAMPLE SHORT ESSAY SET 3:

Dartmouth, Debate

Participating in my high school’s debate program has been my most meaningful activity these past four years. I have learned how to speak in front of a crowd without becoming nervous, how to think on my feet, and how to argue the merits of any side of an issue. Being on the debate team also allows me to educate myself on current topics of global importance such as the homeless problem, health care, and pollution.

Throughout the three years I have dedicated to the activity, (high school) has always maintained a successful squad and I am quite proud to know that I have earned many of the trophies and awards that have helped make the program so successful and (high school) well known on the debate circuit.

Because of the activity, I have learned that from education to communication, from argument to enlightenment, debate is necessary for two or more humans to transcend mere exchange of thought and achieve synergy instead. I now view success in debate as far more than a trophy; I now see it as evidence that I can successfully communicate my beliefs to others and have them logically accept them as their own, thus priming me for any future challenges involving human interaction.

Dartmouth, Honors and Awards

My most important honors since tenth grade have been winning the Brown University Book Award for my skills in English, being named as a National Merit Semifinalist (Finalist status pending), winning the Journalism Education Association National Write-off Award of Excellence in the Editorial division at a national conference, being selected as a Semifinalist in the NCTE Writing Contest for my work in prose, being named as an Illinois State Scholar for my academic achievement in high school and my high A.C.T. scores, being selected to the Spanish Honor Society for my consistent success with the language in the classroom, being selected as the Student of the Month in the Foreign Language/Social Sciences division two years in a row for my success in those classes, and in a culminating event, being featured in Who’s Who Among American High School Students for my overall scholastic success.

Dartmouth, Summer at Dartmouth

Most of my past summer was spent away from home. In that brief month in which I remained in (town name) I worked at (job) in order to earn the money I was going to spend on my trips. My first excursion was to the east coast where I visited several schools and took in the atmosphere of an area to which my midwestern self was somewhat unaccustomed. One school I was considering that I did not visit was Dartmouth. After all, I spent a month there later in the summer. As a participant of the Dartmouth Debate Institute I spent a lot of time in Feldberg, Dana, and Baker libraries; resided in the well-known Choates; attended sessions in Silsby; and dined in the Full-Fare section of Thayer. There was also time for recreational activities such as rope swinging, volleyball, frisbee, sleep (every little bit was cherished), and beautiful hikes up to Dana. I did manage to sit down and work in such a clean, open environment, however. The instructors made sure of that. The four-week institute honed my skills in speaking, researching, structuring arguments, and thinking. As a result, my partner and I were able to break into the elimination rounds at the institute-ending tournament which included the top debaters in the nation. Aside from the debate skills I learned, I found the institute very favorable because of the exchange of ideas taking place between the students and staff. What I learned from those exchanges enlightened me not only as a debater but also as a person.

Although I enjoy all of my subjects, I regard classes I have taken in the social sciences to be the most meaningful. Whereas some classes use formulas to describe natural occurrences, the social sciences show that not everything is explicable in such a clear-cut manner. The social sciences describe people; they describe the people who make up the formulas and how and why that was done. The social sciences also explain the past so as a society, people can avoid past catastrophes and build upon past successes. Not only do they describe how we act as we do, but why we act as we do.

I am not a student who always likes to follow someone else’s rules. While most subjects allow for free thought, the social sciences encourage innovative thinking. Those classes expect students to explain why something happened based on certain conditions. I didn’t learn that the Iron Curtain was an economic measure in any math class.

As a student my ultimate goal is to understand things. I feel the best way to understand is not by reciting another’s thought, but by formulating my own and debating it with people who disagree with me. I believe that exchange of thought is vital in every curriculum, but the social sciences do the most to promote that exchange. I highly doubt that anyone will be debating Einstein’s ideas in the near future-and be right.

COMMENTS:

This essayist dedicates the first essay to his involvement in debating. He manages to communicate quite a lot in a short amount of space (what he has learned, what he has achieved, and what debating means to him) without ever losing his focus. The second essay is an example of an answer to a list question (“List your honors and awards”). The third gets more personal by describing the summer he spent at Dartmouth. The strength of this essay is that he sells himself on his knowledge and familiarity of the school. The weakness of this essay is that he tries to do too much and loses his focus after the second paragraph. The conclusion does not seem to fit with the points he has made in the essay-the last line particularly seems to come from nowhere.

SAMPLE SHORT ESSAY SET 4:

Harvard, Favorite Books

The novel Black Like Me was the most stimulating book I have recently read. I was taken aback by the cruelty the narrator experienced when he was black compared to the hospitality he found as a white man. Possessing the same occupation, clothing, wealth, speech, and identity did not matter when his skin was another color. Given that this was a non-fictional piece, my reaction was even stronger. The book made me favor equality of opportunity for all in every endeavor so others’ opinions of them are based on performance, not preconceptions.

Harvard, Favorite Teacher

I selected Mr. (name) because he taught me more than U.S. History; he taught me how to think independently. This wasn’t done only to prepare me for the free-response section of the A.P. test, either. I know he did it to make his students responsible citizens and responsible adults. From the outset, he wanted to make sure that we knew how we stood in our political philosophy: strict constructionists or loose constructionists. He wanted to make sure that we didn’t gravitate towards empty categories like liberal or conservative, but rather focused on issues separately whenever we needed to take a stand on them. Imagine my surprise when I, the son of two very conservative parents who constantly bombarded me with their rhetoric, discovered that I had strong liberal tendencies on some issues. Aside from political affiliations, Mr. (name) taught us how to make sense out of history by trying to understand the personal motives that went in to any chain of historical occurrences. In his class, I came to the realization that history isn’t only a series of names and dates printed in a textbook, but a more complex subject that requires deep thought and analysis for full comprehension. Because of Mr. (name), history is now my favorite subject. He has also been a motivating force outside of the classroom. He always had faith in my ability and constantly encouraged me to do my best. I believe he respected my abilities and wanted to see them developed further. In fact, had it not been for his faith in me, I would have never applied to Harvard, the school I plan to attend in the fall.

Harvard, Unnoticed Accomplishment

It’s not that I’m a weak guy, just that I had been somewhat self-conscious about my strength early on in my high school career. My gym class didn’t help too much, either. Thanks to a demeaning test of strength appropriately dubbed the “Grip Test,” once each quarter I was provided the opportunity to squeeze a gadget, get a score, and have my teacher announce it out loud, no matter how high or (as in my case) how low it was. No matter how hard I tried, the cruel and callous scale never registered above 40. Almost every other male in the class could boast of a high-40’s or mid-50’s score. I hated that test with a passion. Until recently. When this semester rolled around and I had the gripper placed in my palm, I was prepared for the same old same old. I had been improving slightly from quarter to quarter, but nothing impressive ever happened. I drew in a deep breath, squeezed, looked at the scale, and almost fainted. Sixty-six! In a way only a teenager can appreciate, for an accomplishment only a teenager would find meaningful, I thought I was in heaven. My success was even sweeter as I watched jocks pale in comparison when they took the test. Sure, to some people my academic accomplishments seem fairly impressive, and I would agree. Yet the grip test situation was much more personal and represented success in an area I normally don’t pay attention to. Plus I learned two things. One: I can pride myself on the smallest triviality. Two: I’m glad we don’t measure strength in our gym classes with the bench press.

Harvard, Leadership through Dedication

To me, leadership does not necessarily mean accumulating as many titles as possible in school activities; I feel one leads through his dedication, actions, and contributions. I have always tried to lead in almost everything I set out to do. I feel I have been successful at that. Superficially, I have earned such titles as president of the National Honor Society chapter at my school, Editor-in-Chief, columnist, Investigative Editor, and Editorial Editor of the school newspaper, senior varsity leader in debate, and a Class Representative for Student Council. However, those titles don’t begin to tell the story of my abilities as a leader. They don’t reveal how I volunteered to help out at a handicapped lock-in at an unfamiliar youth center when no one else wanted to, they don’t reveal how I always sought to be on time for work and to avoid boondoggling, they don’t reveal how I aided younger debaters with their argumentation so they can have the same success I was lucky enough to enjoy, they don’t reveal how I became a role model for the JETS squad by studying my material often, eventually becoming the most medaled member on the team, and they don’t reveal all the effort I put into learning my lines and acquiring a good stage presence for Images, my first stage production ever, so I wouldn’t single-handedly jeopardize the whole show with my lack of experience. All those actions stress the quality I feel is most important in a leader, dedication. With dedication comes hard work and the ability to seek out solutions when problems get in the way, whether they are with a news page layout or in a student’s diction. Because of this dedication, taking charge is second nature for me. People are always willing to follow one with a clear sense of direction.

Harvard, Close-knit family

I don’t view my important characteristics as different from those my family has imparted on me throughout the years. The pride, care, dedication, effort, and hard-working attitude that I view as critical to any success I may achieve have all descended upon me courtesy of my close-knit, Italian family.

Born the child of two immigrants who came here with nothing, only one possessing a college degree, the importance of a good work ethic was stressed by my parents from day one. Through their actions in their jobs and through the verbal lessons on life I began to get from the moment I could communicate, they set an example for me to follow, one of being proud of what I do, no matter what it was, and above all, to care about everything I do as if everything had a big impact. This meant that everything had to be done right and be done well. Undoubtedly, following their own advice carried my parents from their status as blue-collar immigrants who labored as a factory workers to white-collar citizens, one of whom owns his own business while the other works as a bank officer. Those ascensions from nothing only served as other examples for me to follow, examples that delineated the ability for a person to improve through effort.

Another quotation from my father propelled me from the time I started school to today: “No matter what you do, you have to be the best.” This set up the inner drive that motivates all my actions. It was what forced me to try hard in school although I didn’t know English well enough to always understand the teacher. It’s the reason why I have developed my skills. It accounts for my dedication to all activities, and to the hard work I put into all of them as I strive to lead both in class and out. Essentially, my parentage was the first quality that distinguished me as a leader.

Despite all the talk of being a leader, I have never lost sight of the importance of my family. I know I owe my family everything, and as a result, I’ll always be close with it.

Harvard, Fun

I pursue a variety of activities for fun and relaxation. I enjoy reading books and magazines (my tastes range from Time to Gentlemen’s Quarterly) on a regular basis, imitating Beavis and Butt-head, and most of all, spending time with my friends. Although I am fan of playing pick-up games of basketball, football, and roller hockey, the phrase “doing nothing with my time” doesn’t bother me since I can have a good time just hanging around. I think people, not places, make for a good time.

Harvard, Social Concerns

My major social concerns all revolve around the future. In other words, I’m concerned about what prevents people from rising above their disadvantages. Specifically, I am most concerned with the handicapped, education, and crime.

I feel society’s response to handicaps is what really hampers the potential of the disabled. It is important for the disabled to get a better sense of worth and to be able to adapt to, and survive in, today’s world. Through National Honor Society (NHS), I have done just that. I have helped out at a lock-in that was designed to foster interaction among the children of the organization, as well as at Special Olympics, where the children participate in sports on a competitive basis so their talents and abilities can be recognized. Whenever the disabled can be successful at an activity, the barrier between them and the rest of society is drastically reduced.

Education is key to other problems such as gangs, drugs, and crime because it can prevent and eliminate them. I try to get students in our school to maximize their opportunities by using the educational resources available. By setting up a tutoring program through NHS, I have matched up needy students with other students who can assist them with their problems in classes. More directly, I help students out with English and show them how to use the Writing Center Lab, an indispensable resource for English students at any level. The more educated a person is, I believe, the more able he is to be successful in the future.

I have dealt with criminal problems in my school by discussing solutions to gangs and other crime in the Student Advisory Committee. We have drafted several proposals to help reduce those problems in our school.

Educating people about such social concerns is also very crucial because they won’t fix what they don’t think is broken. That is one objective of our newspaper, in which we have written various editorials and news stories to educate the student body on social topics. Through debate, I myself have become knowledgeable on such topics as the homeless, poverty, health care, and the environment. That way I can practice what I preach.

COMMENTS:

Harvard is notorious for its long list of essay questions, as you can see from the seven essays this applicant had to write. The first essay is a standard favorite book essay. His second, about his favorite teacher, goes into more depth and reveals more about the candidate, that he enjoys learning, admires independent thought, and plans to study history.

The third essay in this set stands out from the rest. Had the panel who were grading the compositions understood the context of this essay in light of the six others in the set, they probably would have given it more credit. Its strength lies in its funny, lighthearted approach-it shows a completely different aspect of the candidate’s personality. Without it, he would have appeared deadpan serious and probably a bit dull. However, showing the wittier side of himself strengthens the set considerably. It is a good example of allowing yourself to take a risk in one essay, as long as more serious approaches in the others balance it.

Lesson Three: Structure and Outline

2006-12-17T12:01:00.000-08:00

Introduction

The easiest way to sabotage all the work you have done so far is to skip this lesson. Writing is as much a discipline as it is an art, and to ensure that your essays flow well and make sense, you need to construct solid outlines before you write. Unless you conscientiously impose structure around your ideas, your essay will be rambling and ineffective. An outline should make sense on its own; the ideas should follow logically in the order that you list them. As you add content around these main points, these words should support and reinforce the logic of the outline. Finally, the outline should conclude with an insightful thought or image. Make sure that the rest of your outline reinforces this conclusion.

The body paragraphs should consist of events, experiences, and activities you have already organized in chronological order or in order of importance. In many of the essays that our editors read, the order of paragraphs seems to have been chosen at random. Make clear why one point follows another: each point in your outline should connect with the next; each main category should be linked to your introduction or thesis; and each sub-category should be linked to the main category. As you make your outline you should be able to see where there are holes in your essay.

Continue on to descriptions and examples of various essay structures, a sample outline and essay, short essay strategies and samples, and essay writing templates to help cure the worst cases of writer's block.

The following structures are demonstrated and discussed

Example Structure

The Example Structure follows the rules of a traditional academic essay: begin with a main argument or thesis statement, follow this with three pieces of evidence that support the argument, and wrap up by stating what the essay has shown. This is a good structure to use when making a single, strong point. Its power lies in its simplicity. Because it allows you to present several points neatly in support of a single claim, it is especially useful for making a persuasive argument. This format will be most helpful when writing short essays, but for longer personal statements, it might appear formulaic and dull. One of the more creative structures described below might draw attention more successfully to your writing.

SAMPLE ESSAY 1: Carnegie-Mellon, current affairs: Middle East debate

A Greek philosopher once said, “In argument, truth is born.” Even though sometimes feelings and emotions come into play that confuse the issue at hand, usually an argument results in a new insight on the subject. Even if a person holds strong views that are unshaken by anything his adversary may say, he may nevertheless gain from the debate. It forces him to organize and analyze his views, leaving him with a clearer understanding of the subject than before. Further, his opponent’s arguments help him better appreciate his views and their differences. Finally, the argument forces both to look inwards, at their character and value system.

For these reasons, I enjoy debating issues that are important to me and about which I hold strong views. One such issue receiving great national attention is the Middle East peace process. While the peace process has always been important to the American community as a whole, and more specifically to the Jewish American community, the assassination of Israel Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin has focused the spotlight upon it, as well as intensified the debate around it. Since I attend a private Jewish school, I often discuss this topic with my peers, often finding myself in the minority. Most of them support the peace process, while I adhere to the views of the Likud (opposition) party, which opposes the peace process.

Complicating the issue are several emotional stigmas that are often attached to it, transforming the discussion from an objective one to one driven by passion. The foremost of these stigmas is the accusation, which is often hurled at the opponents of the peace process, of promoting war and violence. Often made by people who know little about the issue, this view fails to realize that opposition to the peace process does not imply opposition of peace. Rather, it implies disapproval of certain tactics and specifics of the peace process as it was carried out by Rabin.

Another commonly advanced accusation against American Jews who disagree with the peace process centers around the question of whether they have the right to influence Israeli policy. “You don’t have to send your children to the Army,” it is said, “your children don’t die in wars. What right have you to oppose peace?!” The fallacy of this argument is that it doesn’t differentiate between belief and action. While it is true, for precisely the reasons above, that American Jews have no right to try to influence Israeli policy, that does not preclude them from having ideas of what that policy should be.

Finally, the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin has introduced yet another dimension into this debate. In its aftermath, opposing the peace process sometimes is identified with condoning the assassination itself. Such an identification of the man and his beliefs involves grave dangers, such as rashly implementing his ideas in a flurry of compassion and commiseration.

What all of these stigmas have in common is that they forsake logical and objective debate, opting rather for emotions, generalizations and accusations. And the dangers of that happening are the main lesson I learned from my debates. While those debates have shed new light on the issue and have forced me to reconsider what I think is moral and just, most importantly they have demonstrated the necessity of objectiveness and removal of emotions from the discussion, especially when, as in the case of the peace process, thousands of lives are at stake. When passions and hatred take over, we must stop and think of what it all is really about.

COMMENTS:

The social concerns or ethics essay is notoriously difficult to write. This essayist tackles it well with solid arguments, clear thinking, and good structure. The main suggestion for improvement came from one officer who felt that the statements made in the first paragraph were too broad and lofty for a college essay.

Very clear headed.

This student put time and energy into this essay and it shows in the writing style, the flow of discourse and the conclusions that the writer comes to in the end. It is a well thought out essay with depth and focus.

This essay is well written, and brings out an interesting point of view, one of which I had not been aware until now. This author grasps the subtleties of a difficult political position. I think he would be an interesting person to know, and would certainly make people think, both in class and in discussions outside of academics.

The argument in the essay is logical and substantiated with solid examples, making it an effective representation of the student’s thought and writing style while revealing the student’s personal opinions on the Middle East peace process.

Compare and Contrast

For some questions, this structure is a natural choice, as in the personal growth and development question, which asks you to compare yourself now to the way you once were. You can structure a cause-and-effect essay point for point, by comparing one aspect of the object or situation at a time. Or you can choose to employ the block method by thoroughly covering all the points of the first object or situation in the first half of the essay and then comparing it with all the points of the other in the last half.

SAMPLE ESSAY 1: Columbia, Athlete and Musician (sailing and bass guitar)

Write a chapter from your autobiography.

Chapter 34: One Memorable Sailing Practice

The sun’s glare off the water forces my watery eyes to close even more. Spray leaps over the bow and blocks my vision as it slams into me like hundreds of little pebbles. The salt water has irritated my eyes enough already, but I am only beginning my practice for today. The Buzzards Bay Regatta is only three days away, and I must get comfortable with the boat.

Skimming over the waves on a screaming plane, the boat senses every movement. The boat is like a leaf being blown across a pond. With only the rear end of the hull in the water, I am half flying and concentrate on positioning my weight aft for the most speed. I shuffle my butt half a foot aft and the boat rounds up towards the wind, but I fight the motion off with the helm and regain my original course.

With one hand on the tiller and the other holding the mainsheet, I see that my hands are in the same position when I play my bass guitar. Comparisons between the two mesh together in my mind as I realize the similarities between bass guitar and sailing. I recall the practicing involved in bass and see how sailing requires the same diligence. My thoughts no longer focus on fine tuning my sailing, but they vividly connect bass guitar playing and sailing.

I probe to find out what the essences of sailing and music are. While on the water in a sailboat, I accept the elements as they present themselves to me. Given certain wind and wave conditions, I manipulate the sailboat to attain the best harmony between by boat and its immediate environment. I imagine the sailboat is an extension of my body and plunge, accelerate, and rock with the sea and the wind, as the boat does. Sailing stresses technique because I need proper form to adjust to all of the different combinations to have twelve different notes in the musical alphabet with which to work, and with my technique I manipulate those notes and arrange them to adjust to varied moods I want to express. Again, painstaking technique is emphasized because by body must encompass the bass to attain the pure harmony between my expression and the notes on the instrument. Meticulously, I pluck, pull, and slide my fingers on the strings as I adjust to the countless combinations. Musicians and sailors alike practice their technique to reach perfection, whether it be in the form of the fastest sailboat or the most sonorous melody. Rooted in the same essence, I discover that I draw from the same method to sail and play music.

Seemingly unrelated experiences converge. Bass guitar and sailing do not seem to relate to one another, but I discover the similarities. Linking bass guitar and sailing consummates the understanding of two of my hobbies. I seek the mastery of my sailing, but I realize that I simultaneously increase my understanding of bass playing as well.

My focus shifts from new realizations back to my sailboat, but the waves are turning into ripples as the sun sets. There will not be any more sailing today, but I can now continue practicing with my bass.

COMMENTS:

This writer maintains focus by making the similarities between his two activities the topic of the essay. The detail with which he describes both activities and the depth with which he analyzes their similarities clearly demonstrate the passion that he brings to both.

SAMPLE ESSAY 2: Harvard, Favorite Characters

Of all the characters that I’ve “met” through books and movies, two stand out as people that I most want to emulate. They are Attacus Finch from To Kill A Mockingbird and Dr. Archibald “Moonlight” Graham from Field of Dreams. They appeal to me because they embody what I strive to be. They are influential people in small towns who have a direct positive effect on those around them. I, too, plan to live in a small town after graduating from college, and that positive effect is something I must give in order to be satisfied with my life.

Both Mr. Finch and Dr. Graham are strong supporting characters in wonderful stories. They symbolize good, honesty, and wisdom. When the story of my town is written I want to symbolize those things. The base has been formed for me to live a productive, helpful life. As an Eagle Scout I represent those things that Mr. Finch and Dr. Graham represent. In the child/adolescent world I am Mr. Finch and Dr. Graham, but soon I’ll be entering the adult world, a world in which I’m not yet prepared to lead.

I’m quite sure that as teenagers Attacus Finch and Moonlight Graham often wondered what they could do to help others. They probably emulated someone who they had seen live a successful life. They saw someone like my grandfather, 40-year president of our hometown bank, enjoy a lifetime of leading, sharing, and giving. I have seen him spend his Christmas Eves taking gifts of food and joy to indigent families. Often when his bank could not justify a loan to someone in need, my grandfather made the loan from his own pocket. He is a real-life Moonlight Graham, a man who has shown me that characters like Dr. Graham and Mr. Finch do much much more than elicit tears and smiles from readers and movie watchers. Through him and others in my family I feel I have acquired the values and the burning desire to benefit others that will form the foundation for a great life. I also feel that that foundation is not enough. I do not yet have the sophistication, knowledge, and wisdom necessary to succeed as I want to in the adult world. I feel that Harvard, above all others, can guide me toward the life of greatness that will make me the Attacus Finch of my town.

COMMENTS:

This essay is a great example of how to answer this question well. This applicant chose characters who demonstrated specific traits that reflect on his own personality. We believe that he is sincere about his choices because his reasons are personal (being from a small town, and so forth). He managed to tell us a good deal about himself, his values, and his goals while maintaining a strong focus throughout.

Narrative or Chronological Structure

If you have decided to focus on a single event in your life, you will want to use this structure. It can be filled with action, dialogue, and subtle details. Although, you should not confuse effective drama with overwrought, Hollywood-style melodrama. The briefest and simplest of events can take on meaning when told convincingly. Using a chronological or narrative structure over a long period of time (anything more than a day or two) can often read like a ship’s log. You don’t want to sound like you’re rattling off a schedule of events. Rather, take on the role of storyteller and provide great detail about a very specific set of events. The sequence of events will help reinforce flow from one stage of the essay to the next and will make the difficult task of transitioning between paragraphs very natural. While the narrative is one of the most effective forms of writing for an essay, it can also be difficult. Use the following tips as your write your narrative:

Make the reader aware of chronology and keep the story generally moving forward.
Don’t feel obligated to tell more of the story than you need to convey your point. Extra details distract from the main drive of the story.
Try not to use reflective conclusions or introductions describing what you learned; start and end with the action and have everything take place within the context of the story.
Describe events, people, and places in very specific, colorful terms.

Narrative can be combined with other structures for an approach that is less risky but still interesting. Beginning an essay with a brief story is the most common and effective of such methods. Another twist on the narrative essay is one that describes a single place, person, or action in great detail. It appeals to the senses of the audience without necessarily drawing on the action of a story. There is no standard structure found in this type of essay -- each is differently organized -- but all rely on crisp imagery and sensory detail, leaving the reader with a single, vivid image. Single images are easier to remember than a list of points, qualities, traits, or qualifications, no matter how impressive any one or all of them may be. Still, this is a risky approach and is best employed when you have to provide multiple essays for one school so that you have a chance to structure your other essays more traditionally.

Samples of Narrative Essays.

SAMPLE ESSAY 1: Brown, achievement: Martial arts competition

A faint twinge of excitement floated through my body that night. A hint of anticipation of the coming day could not be suppressed; yet to be overcome with anxiety would not do at all. I arduously forced those pernicious thoughts from seeping in and overcoming my body and mind. I still wonder that I slept at all that night.

But I did. I slept soundly and comfortably as those nervous deliberations crept into my defenseless, unsuspecting mind, pilfering my calm composure. When I awoke refreshed, I found my mind swarming with jumbled exhilaration. The adrenaline was flowing already.

After a quick breakfast, I pulled some of my gear together and headed out. The car ride of two hours seemed only a few moments as I struggled to reinstate order in my chaotic consciousness and focus my mind on the day before me. My thoughts drifted to the indistinct shadows of my memory.

My opponent’s name was John Doe. There were other competitors at the tournament, but they had never posed any threat to my title. For as long as I had competed in this tournament, I had easily taken the black belt championship in my division. John, however, was the most phenomenal martial artist I had ever had the honor of witnessing at my young age of thirteen. And he was in my division. Although he was the same rank, age, size, and weight as I, he surpassed me in almost every aspect of our training. His feet were lightning, and his hands were virtually invisible in their agile swiftness. He wielded the power of a bear while appearing no larger than I. His form and techniques were executed with near perfection. Although I had never defeated his flawlessness before, victory did not seem unattainable. For even though he was extraordinary, he was not much more talented than I. I am not saying that he was not skilled or even that he was not more skilled than I, for he most certainly was, but just not much more than I. I still had one hope, however little, of vanquishing this incredible adversary, for John had one weakness: he was lazy. He didn’t enjoy practicing long hours or working hard. He didn’t have to. Nevertheless, I had found my passage to triumph.

My mind raced even farther back to all my other failures. I must admit that my record was not very impressive. Never before had I completed anything. I played soccer. I quit. I was a Cub Scout. I quit. I played trumpet. I quit. Karate was all I had left. The championship meant so much because I had never persevered with anything else.

In the last months, I had trained with unearthly stamina and determination. I had focused all my energies into practicing for this sole aspiration. Every day of the week I trained. Every evening, I could be found kicking, blocking, and punching at an imaginary opponent in my room. Hours of constant drilling had improved my techniques and speed. All my techniques were ingrained to the point where they were instinctive. Days and weeks passed too swiftly. . . .

I was abruptly jolted back into the present. The car was pulling into the parking lot. The tournament had too quickly arrived, and I still did not feel prepared for the trial which I was to confront. I stepped out of the car into the bright morning sun, and with my equipment bag in hand, walked into the towering building.

The day was a blur. After warming up and stretching, I sat down on the cold wooden floor, closed my eyes, and focused. I cleared my mind of every thought, every worry, and every insecurity. When I opened my eyes, every sense and nerve had become sharp and attentive, every motion finely tuned and deliberate.

The preliminary rounds were quiet and painless, and the championship fight was suddenly before me. I could see that John looked as calm and as confident as ever. Adrenaline raced through my body as I stepped into the ring. We bowed to each other and to the instructor, and the match began.

I apologize, but I do not recall most of the fight. I do faintly remember that when time ran out the score was tied, and we were forced to go into Sudden Death: whoever scored the next point would win. That, however, I do recall.

I was tired. The grueling two points that I had won already had not been enough. I needed one more before I could taste triumph. I was determined to win, though I had little energy remaining. John appeared unfazed, but I couldn’t allow him to discourage me. I focused my entire being, my entire consciousness, on overcoming this invincible nemesis. I charged. All my strenuous training, every molecule in my body, every last drop of desire was directed, concentrated on that single purpose as I exploded through his defenses and drove a solitary fist to its mark.

I was not aware that I would never fight John again, but I would not have cared. Never before had I held this prize in my hands, but through pure, salty sweat and vicious determination, the achievement that I had desired so dearly and which meant so much to me was mine at last. This was the first time that I had ever really made a notable accomplishment in anything. This one experience, this one instant, changed me forever. That day I found self-confidence and discovered that perseverance yields its own sweet fruit. That day a sense of invincibility permeated the air. Mountains were nothing. The sun wasn’t so bright and brilliant anymore. For a moment, I was the best.

COMMENTS:

The admissions officers admired this essay for its passion and sincerity. In fact, most of the noted drawbacks were based on the writer being too passionate. “Kind of a tempest in a teapot, don’t you think?” wrote one. Other suggestions for improvement were “purely editorial” such as the overuse of adjectives and adverbs, using a passive voice, and making contradictory statements. “For example, he says, ‘I slept soundly and comfortably as those nervous deliberations crept into my defenseless, unsuspecting mind, pilfering my calm composure.’ How could he sleep soundly and comfortably if the nervous deliberations were pilfering his calm composure? There are a few other examples like that that I won’t go into here. I would just suggest that the author look carefully to be sure his ideas stay consistent and support one another.”

What I like about this essay from the point of view of an admission officer is that I am convinced that the change in attitude described by the author is real. I do believe that he will carry with him forever the hard-won knowledge that he can attain his goals, that perseverance and hard work will eventually allow him to succeed in any endeavor. This is an important quality to bring to the college experience. Especially when considering applications to prestigious institutions, the admission committee will want to feel sure that the applicants understand the need for hard work and perseverance. Many times the strongest-looking applicants are students for whom academic success has come so easily that the challenges of college come as a shock. I always like hearing stories like this, of students who know what it means to struggle and finally succeed.

SAMPLE ESSAY 2: Harvard, hobbies and interests: Violin

Struck with sudden panic, I hastily flipped through the many papers in my travel folder until I spotted the ticket. I nervously thrust it toward the beaming stewardess, but took the time to return her wide smile. Before stepping into the caterpillar tunnel I looked back at my parents, seeking reassurance, but I sensed from their plastered-on grins and overly enthus-iastic waves that they were more terrified than I. I gave them a departing wave, grabbed my violin case, and commenced my first solitary journey.

Seated in the plane I began to study the pieces I would soon be performing, trying to dispel the flutterings in my stomach. I listened to some professional recordings on my Walkman, mimicking the fingerings with my left hand while watching the sheet music.

“Where ya goin’?” smiling businessman-seatmate interrupted.

“To the National High School Orchestra,” I answered politely, wanting to go back to the music. “It’s composed of students chosen from each state’s All-State ensemble.” After three days of rehearsal, the orchestra would be giving a concert at a convention center in Cincinnati. I focused back on the music, thinking only of the seating audition I would have to face in a few hours.

When I arrived at the hotel in Cincinnati, instruments and suitcases cluttered every hallway, other kids milled around aimlessly, and the line to pick up room keys was infinitely long. In line I met my social security blanket, a friendly Japanese exchange student, [name], who announced proudly and frequently, “I fro Tayx-aas!” Both glad to have met someone, we adopted each other as friends of circumstance, and touched on a few of the many differences between Japanese and American culture (including plumbing apparatuses!)

Soon all of the performers received an audition schedule, and we went rushing to our rooms to practice. I had an hour until my audition, and repeated the hardest passages ad nauseam. When my time finally came, I flew up to the ninth floor and into the dreaded audition room. Three judges sat before a table. They chatted with me, futilely attempting to calm me. All too soon they resumed serious expressions, and told me which sections to perform. They were not the most difficult ones, but inevitably my hands shook and sweated and my mind wandered. . . .

I felt giddy leaving the audition room. The immense anxiety over the audition was relieved, yet the adrenaline still rushed through me. I wanted to yell and laugh and jump around and be completely silly, for my long-awaited evaluation was over. After dinner the seating list would be posted and I would know just where I fit in with the other musicians, all of whom intimidated me by their mere presence at the convention.

Solitary, having been unable to find [name] or any of my three roommates, I entered the dining room. I glanced feverishly around the giant room which swarmed with strangers.

I gathered up all of my courage and pride for the first time ever, and approached a group I had no preconceived notions about. I sat quietly at first, gathering as much information as I could about the new people. Were they friend material? After careful observation of their socialization, I hypothesized that these complete strangers were very bright and easy to talk to, and shared my buoyant (but sometimes timid), sense of humor. I began to feel at home as we joked about S.A.T.’s, drivers’ licenses, and other teenage concerns. I realized then how easy it is to get along with people I meet by coincidence. I became eager to test my newfound revelation.

The flutterings returned to my stomach when I approached the seating lists which everyone strained to see. “I knew it; I got last chair,” I heard someone announce. My flutterings intensified. I located the violin list and scanned for my name from the bottom up. My tender ego wouldn’t let me start at the top and get increasingly disappointed as I read farther and farther down. “There I am, seventh seat. Pretty good out of twenty,” I thought. . . .

Every day at the convention seemed long, only because we did so many wonderful things. We rehearsed for at least seven hours each day, made numerous outings, and spent time meeting new friends.

On the second day, during a luncheon boat ride on the Ohio River, [name] and I sat together, both dreaming of Japan. Looking over at her as we talked, I remembered that in two days I would be torn from the young, promising friendships I had been building. When some friends-including a few I had met at the dinner table on the first night-approached us, bearing a deck of cards, I became absorbed in a jovial game and quickly forgot my sorrow.

Rehearsals were magical right from the start, because everyone rapidly grew accustomed to the strangely professional sound of the group and began to play without reserve, with full dynamics. I continually gazed, wide-eyed, around the large, bright room, watching others, admiring their skill. We were surrounded by pure talent, and the sky was our limit. We blossomed under the conductor’s suggestions, using our pre-developed technique to its fullest.

Each time the orchestra played, my emotion soared, wafted by the beauty and artfulness of the music, bringing goose-bumps to my skin and a joyful feeling to my soul. I felt the power of the group-the talent and strength of each individual-meld into a chorus of heavenly sound. I was just where I wanted to be. I had everything I’d ever need. I was no longer doubting myself among strangers; I was making music with friends.

COMMENTS:

This essay contains a good example of wowing the committee with a good closing sentence. Last lines are usually hard to manage. However, this essayist does a great job with hers, and the panel definitely noticed.

The last sentence of the essay is wonderfully composed.

The last line of this essay captures what I think are the two strong points of this piece. First of all, the author is an accomplished musician. No matter what sort of institution you are applying to, be it a music program, a liberal arts university, or a technical institution, strong musical ability will always be a big plus with the admission committee. This is because they know that proficiency in music requires self-discipline, a desire to improve and a willingness to learn. If you have achieved a notable level of accomplishment in some area of music, and have also succeeded in maintaining good grades, it tells an admission officer that you can manage your time well and set your priorities. The second strong point of this essay is the author’s description of how she made friends and became completely immersed in appreciating and enjoying the entire experience. This tells an admission officer that she will almost certainly take to the college experience the same way, that she will overcome initial shyness, throw herself into a new situation, and soon extract every ounce of pleasure and personal growth from the experience. She will certainly be an asset to the incoming class.

Good essay, well written and heartfelt.

This was a nice essay. The writer took her time to formulate her ideas about this experience and was keen to stay focused on telling her story succinctly. She took this very important opportunity in her life and was able to tell the reader a vivid account without overdoing it.

SAMPLE ESSAY 1: Harvard, personal identity: Bedroom tour

If someone were to look through your bedroom, what do you hope your possessions would convey about you?

A typical teen’s room? In some respects, yes, but in many ways, my room has become an extension of my personality, interests and values. Upon entering, one would probably notice the lack of any music group, scantily clad female model, or indeed, any adornment at all on my walls. I prefer the unsoiled look of clean walls, which provide a sense of calm. However, my room is far from military precision and order; my bed lies unmade and yesterday’s wardrobe gathers dust on the floor. The visitor may consider my room tidy, but not inflexible.

While touring my room, one would surely stop to look through the room’s workspace, my desk and computer. The desktop is fairly organized, consisting of a pencil holder, desk calendar, and assorted textbooks. The calendar is full of important dates-tests, deadlines, and of course, the rare days off from school. Academics are one of my highest priorities, but would be useless without occasional relaxation. Above my desk hangs a bulletin board. Similar to the calendar, it holds important pieces of information, as well as a few personal items. A postcard, a present from my grandfather, would likely catch one’s eye. The postcard is from my homeland, and includes a famous quote by Mahatma Gandhi. It reminds me of the country I was born in, and the ties I have to my original culture. Directly below the postcard hang a few baby pictures of myself, mementos of a simpler time. Alongside my desk is a computer, without which I could not survive. The slightly outdated, yet fully competent Apple Macintosh aids with school, and, nearly any other activity I participate in. The Mac also has a modem, connecting me to the global community linked through the Internet. I am very interested in the Internet, and have found it a very useful source of information for everything ranging from tomorrow’s weather to buying a new car. Upon leaving my workspace, I hope my possessions would convey that I am serious about my work, but I approach it with practicality and a grain of salt.

On the other side of my room lies my relaxation area, commonly referred to as a bed. Strewn about the bed are two magazines which represent my interests, MacWorld and Time. I read these magazines daily, to keep up with current events as well as advancements in the information age. Atop my bureau lays the latest work by Stephen King. The content may not be as deep and insightful as Jane Austen’s or Keats, but his stories serve their purpose in providing light entertainment. The bed is unmade, a fact for which I feel no remorse. Although my mother disapproves, I consider an unmade bed a symbol of rest and quietude. My bed may be considered utilitarian, for its uses are not limited to sleeping upon. Some of my best moments of focus and concentration have occurred while lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling, producing thoughts ranging from T.V. shows to pondering college life. Few teen rooms can be considered complete without a loud stereo and an assorted collection of tapes and C.D.’s. My room is no different-my music collection occupies two shelves. Past the techno-rubble of the Eighties lie my current favorites, alternative rock. If a visitor were to turn on the stereo, he would find a couple presets devoted to “homework” music, classical and light jazz. I find that these sounds provide a sense of tranquility while trying to do homework, write reports, or complete college essays. My bed and surrounding areas represent my non-academic, more human interests. They personify the activities and hobbies which I truly enjoy, and provide a breather from some of the more rigorous aspects of life.

After exiting my room, I would hope my visitor learned a few important things about me. I consider my academics seriously, and devote much of my time (and room) to them. However, they do not necessarily dominate my existence; loud music and Stephen King novels also play a role.

COMMENTS:

While no one felt that this essay was strongly flawed, they made a number of suggestions about how the author could have rewritten the essay to create more of an impact.

The writing style is a little too rigid. The writer should let go of the fear that he won’t be taken seriously unless he uses a formal style. The writer should replace stodgy sounding phrases like “while touring my room,” with the more straightforward, “as you look around my room.” If this were one of my students asking advice, I’d pat him on the back and say, “Lighten up, it’s your bedroom. Don’t use words like quietude and utilitarian. Relax and have fun with this.”

The last paragraph needs to be dropped altogether. If the essay has done it’s job, recaps like this are obvious and unnecessary.

This essay does not, unfortunately, convey an impression of a very active person. Whether or not he meant to, I picture the author as someone who spends a lot of time alone in his room playing with his computer and reading lightweight novels. I don’t see what he would contribute to campus life. This is something that applicants to technical institutions in particular should be wary of. Admission officers at such places tend to be especially unreceptive to applicants who seem to believe that being a “computer jock” is all the credentials they need for admission.

Descriptive Structure

This is similar to the chronological structure except that instead of walking step by step through increments of time, it follows step by step through a description of a place, person, or thing. The first paragraph gives an introduction describing the general feel of the place, person, or thing. The body paragraphs offer in-depth descriptions of two or three particular aspects of the place, person, or thing. In the last paragraph, the writer steps out of the descriptive mode and offers a brief conclusion of what the place, person, or thing says about him or her.

Sample of a Descriptive Essay.

SAMPLE ESSAY 1: Harvard, personal identity: Bedroom tour

If someone were to look through your bedroom, what do you hope your possessions would convey about you?

COMMENTS:

While no one felt that this essay was strongly flawed, they made a number of suggestions about how the author could have rewritten the essay to create more of an impact.

The writing style is a little too rigid. The writer should let go of the fear that he won’t be taken seriously unless he uses a formal style. The writer should replace stodgy sounding phrases like “while touring my room,” with the more straightforward, “as you look around my room.” If this were one of my students asking advice, I’d pat him on the back and say, “Lighten up, it’s your bedroom. Don’t use words like quietude and utilitarian. Relax and have fun with this.”

The last paragraph needs to be dropped altogether. If the essay has done it’s job, recaps like this are obvious and unnecessary.

This essay does not, unfortunately, convey an impression of a very active person. Whether or not he meant to, I picture the author as someone who spends a lot of time alone in his room playing with his computer and reading lightweight novels. I don’t see what he would contribute to campus life. This is something that applicants to technical institutions in particular should be wary of. Admission officers at such places tend to be especially unreceptive to applicants who seem to believe that being a “computer jock” is all the credentials they need for admission.

Cause-and-Effect Structure

Often times you will be asked for a life-changing experience or about someone or something that has had a great influence on you. This structure shows that you understand and appreciate the effect that other entities have had on your development and maturity. For these essays, you will want to use the body paragraphs to first describe the influence and then move onto how that has had an effect on you. You can either divide the essay into a “cause section” and an “effect section” or you can mesh the two together by taking each small description one by one and explaining the effect it has had on you. If you decide to use this structure, be sure that you don't write yourself out of the equation; make the point that you were the catalyst between the cause and the effect. That way, you demonstrate that you know how to take action and create change.

Sample of a Cause and Effect Essay.

SAMPLE ESSAY 1: Columbia, Musician (cello)

For some reason, my parents felt the necessity to inundate me at a young age with extracurricular activities. After school, I was always being driven from tennis to violin to swimming to cello to baseball to piano to karate to near craziness! I could have been called the world’s busiest kid at the time. From two of the activities, I have reaped the most benefits. Although my cello has been used less frequently than my tennis racquet, the musical instrument creates the most meaningful ideas in my life.

However, my appreciation for playing the cello did not come immediately. From the time I was nine years old until I left for prep school, I detested Sunday. The first day of the week was torturous “cello day”: I practiced all morning, had a lesson during the afternoon, and came home in the evening exhausted. But today, I thank austere old Professor [teacher’s name] for forcing me to learn the art in music.

With the hectic schedule I have year round, being overwhelmed is not a difficult task. Therefore, I consider playing the cello one of the most rewarding aspects of my life. Very few people have the luxury of being able to absolutely enjoying themselves in the middle of a workday. I can bomb a physics test, and then five minutes later be in heaven. Totally relaxed, I sway back and forth to the rhythm created by my bow and my fingers; both of my arms work in harmony. Eyes closed, I reach the final note and my left hand creates a slow, soothing vibrato-mediocre cello playing at its perfection.

The cello reigns as the supreme instrument in my mind. Whether blusteringly chaotic or lovingly sweet, good cello playing, with its deep, rich tones and fantastically broad range is the epitome of expression. I also have ample opportunity for the other half of art-interpretation. I feel a delight beyond description when listening to Pablo Casals or Yo-Yo Ma. I am able to just sit there and think about my life, and their masterful music can make me feel ebullience or rage. Most importantly, whether I listen to music or play it, I can reflect upon and enjoy life as one special being.

I wish the venerable Professor [teacher’s name] could be alive today to hear me play the cello. “With feeling,” he would always say. Whenever I played a note out of tune, Mr. [teacher’s name] would yell at me until I cried. But now, with my newfound love for the cello, even if he screamed in my ear, I would continue to relish my playing and let him go until he became hoarse.

COMMENTS:

This essayist does a clever job of combining his focus on the cello with gentle reminders that he is involved in much more as well. He does this by beginning with brief mention of “tennis . . . violin . . . swimming . . . cello . . . baseball . . . piano . . . karate . . ..” in the second sentence. Then he quickly hones in on the cello alone, making only one additional indirect mention of the “hectic schedule I have year round.” He wisely does not go into more detail about the other activities. This single reference is enough, since the admissions officers can easily refer to the rest of the application for more detail on his other involvements. This writer also does a good job of showing his love for the cello by painting a picture of himself playing: “totally relaxed, I sway back and forth to the rhythm created by my bow and my fingers; both of my arms work in harmony. Eyes closed, I reach the final note and my left hand creates a slow, soothing vibrato…” This image is likely to be the one that sticks in admissions officers minds, making him more memorable.

Sample Outline and Essay

Below you will find a sample outline and the essay written from that outline.

OUTLINE

Paragraph 1 (Introduction)

I. Leading sentence: “It took me eighteen years to realize what an extraordinary influence my mother has been on my life.”

II. Summary of main points: “I not only came to love the excitement of learning simply for the sake of knowing something new, but I also came to understand the idea of giving back to the community in exchange for a new sense of life, love, and spirit.”

Paragraph 2 (First Supporting Point)

I. Transition sentence: “My mother’s enthusiasm for learning is most apparent in travel.”

II. Supporting point: Her mother’s enthusiasm for learning.

III. Evidence: Learning through travel by using the example of a trip to Greece.

Paragraph 3 (Second Supporting Point)

I. Transition sentence: “While I treasure the various worlds my mother has opened to me abroad, my life has been equally transformed by what she has shown me just two miles from my house.”

II. Supporting point: Her mother’s dedication to the community.

III. Evidence: Her multiple volunteer activities such as helping at the local soup kitchen.

Paragraph 4 (Conclusion)

I. Transition sentence: “Everything that my mother has ever done has been overshadowed by the thought behind it.”

II. Reiteration of main points: “She has enriched my life with her passion for learning, and changed it with her devotion to humanity.”

III. Taking it one step further: “Next year, I will find a new home miles away. However, my mother will always be by my side.”

COMPLETED ESSAY (NOTE: SAMPLE ESSAYS ARE COLLEGE ESSAYS, NOT GRADUATE ESSAYS)

Note: The below essay appears as it was initially reviewed by admissions officers.

It took me eighteen years to realize what an extraordinary influence my mother has been on my life. She’s the kind of person who has thoughtful discussions about which artist she would most want to have her portrait painted by (Sargent), the kind of mother who always has time for her four children, and the kind of community leader who has a seat on the board of every major project to assist Washington’s impoverished citizens. Growing up with such a strong role model, I developed many of her enthusiasms. I not only came to love the excitement of learning simply for the sake of knowing something new, but I also came to understand the idea of giving back to the community in exchange for a new sense of life, love, and spirit.

My mother’s enthusiasm for learning is most apparent in travel. I was nine years old when my family visited Greece. Every night for three weeks before the trip, my older brother Peter and I sat with my mother on her bed reading Greek myths and taking notes on the Greek Gods. Despite the fact that we were traveling with fourteen-month-old twins, we managed to be at each ruin when the site opened at sunrise. I vividly remember standing in an empty amphitheatre pretending to be an ancient tragedian, picking out my favorite sculpture in the Acropolis museum, and inserting our family into modified tales of the battle at Troy. Eight years and half a dozen passport stamps later I have come to value what I have learned on these journeys about global history, politics and culture, as well as my family and myself.

While I treasure the various worlds my mother has opened to me abroad, my life has been equally transformed by what she has shown me just two miles from my house. As a ten year old, I often accompanied my mother to (name deleted), a local soup kitchen and children’s center. While she attended meetings, I helped with the Summer Program by chasing children around the building and performing magic tricks. Having finally perfected the “floating paintbrush” trick, I began work as a full time volunteer with the five and six year old children last June. It is here that I met Jane Doe, an exceptionally strong girl with a vigor that is contagious. At the end of the summer, I decided to continue my work at (name deleted) as Jane’s tutor. Although the position is often difficult, the personal rewards are beyond articulation. In the seven years since I first walked through the doors of (name deleted), I have learned not only the idea of giving to others, but also of deriving from them a sense of spirit.

Everything that my mother has ever done has been overshadowed by the thought behind it. While the raw experiences I have had at home and abroad have been spectacular, I have learned to truly value them by watching my mother. She has enriched my life with her passion for learning, and changed it with her devotion to humanity. In her endless love of everything and everyone she is touched by, I have seen a hope and life that is truly exceptional. Next year, I will find a new home miles away. However, my mother will always be by my side.

Lesson Two: Brainstorming a Topic

2006-12-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

Introduction

Choosing an essay topic can be one of the most difficult aspects of the entire admissions process. Questions often ask you to think about your entire life, pick just one thing, and talk about it in great depth. Even the most reflective writers are left wondering: “How am I supposed to know the ONE event that has changed my life or the one thing that represents my entire personality.” In all likelihood there isn’t just one. But there probably is one that you can write about most passionately and effectively. The most important part of your entire essay is finding this one subject. Without a topic you feel passionate about, without one that brings out the defining aspects of you personality, you risk falling into the trap of sounding like the 90 percent of applicants who will write boring admissions essays. Coming up with this idea is difficult and will require a great deal of time. But whatever you do, don't let this part stress you out. Have fun!

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EXERCISE #1: BRAINSTORMING

First please complete the Brainstorming Worksheet. The worksheet is a .PDF file and requires the free Adobe Acrobat viewer. If you do not yet have the free viewer, please click here to download it.

After Completing the Worksheet...
You should now have between 25 and 75 potential essay topics. The next step is to narrow this list down to the topics that are most suited to an admissions essay. For each item listed above, answer the following questions. Some of your ideas may reveal themselves as dull, while you will find plenty to discuss for others.

For each of the personal characteristics or skills you have listed, ask:

Does it distinguish me from others I know?
How did I develop this attribute?

For each of the activities you have listed, ask:

What made me join this activity?
What made me continue to contribute to it?

For each event in your life you have listed, ask:

Why do I remember this particular event?
Did it change me as a person?
How did I react?
Was the event a moment of epiphany, as if my eyes saw something to which they had previously been blind?

For each person you have listed, ask:

Why have I named this person?
Do I aspire to become like this person?
Which of this person’s traits do I admire?
Do I aspire to become like this person?
Which of this person’s traits do I admire?
Is there something that this person has said that I will always remember?
Did he or she challenge my views?

For each of your favorites and least favorites, ask:

Why is this a favorite or least favorite?
Has this thing influenced my life in a meaningful way?

For each failure, ask:

What if anything did I learn from this failure?
What if anything good came out of this failure?

In answering these questions, you will probably find that you have a great deal to talk about, at least for five to seven topics. You must now confront the underlying problem of the admissions essay: find the one topic that will allow you to synthesize your important personal characteristics and experiences into a coherent whole while simultaneously addressing your desire to attend a specific institution. While most admissions essays allow great latitude in topic selection, you must also be sure to answer the questions that were asked of you. Leaving a lasting impression on someone who reads 50 to 100 essays a day will not be easy, but we have compiled some guidelines to help you get started.

EXERCISE #2: SELECTING A TOPIC

In this exercise, you will find a list of Do’s and Don’ts for selecting a topic, along with comments from long-time admissions officers. For each of your five to seven potential topics, fill in this checklist. If you find yourself repeatedly answering “no” to these questions for any given topic, you should drop it and move on to another.

1. Have I selected a topic that describes something of personal importance to my life?

Admissions Officer Says: “Personalize your essays as much as possible-generic essays are not only boring to read, they’re a waste of time because they don’t tell you anything to help you get to know the applicant any better.”

2. Am I avoiding a gimmicky topic? You should be very, very careful of trying to write your essay in iambic pentameter or with lots of jokes. Almost always, this is done poorly and is not appreciated by the admissions committee. Nothing is worse than not laughing at something that was written to be funny.

Admissions Officer Says: “Gimmicks are a big mistake, and a sarcastic or flippant tone will often offend.”

3. Does my topic stay away from information listed elsewhere on my application? Don’t mention GPAs or standardized test scores in your essay. That’s what the resume and other parts of the application are for.

Admissions Officer Says: “Listings of anything are dull, no matter how impressive.” “Essays should be about more than just a running tally of accomplishments.”

4. Will I be able to offer vivid supporting paragraphs to my essay topic? Do not choose a topic if you cannot provide concrete examples for the body of the essay.

Admissions Officer Says: “Details provide the color, the spice, and the life of the essays.” “As the saying goes, if you’re going to talk the talk, you better walk the walk.”

5. Can I fully answer the question asked of me? Can you address and elaborate on all points within the specified word limit, or will you end up writing a poor summary of something that might be interesting as a report or research paper? If you plan on writing something technical for an application, make sure you can back up your interest in a topic and not merely throw around big scientific words. Unless you convince the reader that you actually have the life experiences to back up your interest in neurobiology, the reader will assume that you are trying to impress him or her with shallow tactics. Also, be sure that you can write to admissions officers and that you are not writing over their heads.

Admissions Officer Says: “Actually answer the question they ask. Many people just list off their accomplishments and never relate it to the theme of the question.”

6. Will my topic keep the reader's interest from the first word? The entire essay must be interesting, considering admissions officers will probably spend only a few minutes reading each essay.

Admissions Officer Says: “If the first paragraph doesn’t fix my attention, like anyone I’m prone to skimming.”

7. Is my topic unique? Some students are so concerned about making the correct impression that they edit out anything that would help their essay stand out. They submit a “safe” essay that is, in reality, sterile, monotonous, and deadly boring. Most topics are in fact overdone, and this is not necessarily a bad thing, but a unique and convincing answer to a classic topic can pay off big. Furthermore, when applying to a competitive program that might be out of your reach, taking a risk in the essay may help your chances by standing out.

Admissions Officer Says: “Applicants should not be afraid to go out on a limb and be themselves-even when that means incorporating humor or being a little bit controversial.”

8. Am I being myself? Admissions officers want to learn about you and your writing ability. You must develop your own voice and tell YOUR story, not the story you think the reader wants to hear. Write about something meaningful and describe what you did and felt, and your essay will be unique. Many people travel to foreign countries or win competitions, but your feelings during these events are unique to you. Unless a philosophy or societal problem has interested you intensely for years, stay away from grand themes that you have little personal experience with.

Admissions Officer Says: “It is through the essay that the admissions officers reading the application will feel that they have truly gotten to know you.”

9. Does my topic avoid hot-button issues that may offend the reader? If you write on how everyone should worship your God, how wrong or right abortion is, or how you think the Republican Party is evil, you will not get into the college of your choice. The only thing worse than not writing a memorable essay is writing an essay that will be remembered negatively. Stay away from specific religions, political doctrines, or controversial opinions. You can still write an essay about Nietzsche's influence on your life, but express understanding that not all intelligent people will agree with Nietzsche's claims. Emphasize instead Nietzsche's influence on YOUR life, and not why you think he was wrong or right in his beliefs.

Admissions Officer Says: “It is dangerous for a non-professional (especially a high school student) to attempt writing as though the essay will be presented at a professional conference. You may be writing to someone who knows much more than you and will be irritated by your hackneyed proclamations.”

10. Is my essay honest? Unless you are a truly excellent writer, your best, most passionate writing will be about events that actually occurred. While you might be tempted to invent hardship, it is completely unnecessary. Write an essay about your life that demonstrates your personality.

Admissions Officer Says: “After 15 years of reading hundreds of essays a year, you develop an amazing ability to see straight through the bull.”

11. Will an admissions officer remember my topic after a day of reading hundreds of essays? What will the officer remember about your topic? What will the officer remember about you? What will your lasting impression be?

12. If you are writing about something unfortunate that has happened to you, ask: Am I able to highlight my impressive qualities under difficult circumstances without sounding pathetic? Unless you only use the experience as a lens with which to magnify your own personal characteristics, you will not write a good essay. Graduate and professional school applicants should generally steer clear of this topic altogether unless the experience can arguably help one become a better businessman, doctor, lawyer, or scholar.

13. Does my essay fit in well with the rest of my application? Does it explain the unexplained and steer clear of what is already obvious? For example, if you have a 4.0 GPA and a 1500 SAT, no one doubts your ability to do the academic work; addressing this topic would be ridiculous. However, if you have an 850 SAT and a 3.9 GPA or a 1450 SAT and a 2.5 GPA, you would be wise to incorporate into your essay an explanation for the apparent contradiction. For example, perhaps you were hospitalized or family concerns prevented your dedication to academics; you would want to mention this in your essay. However, do not make your essay one giant excuse. Simply give a quick, convincing explanation within the framework of your larger essay.

14. Does my topic avoid mentioning my weaknesses? You want to make a positive first impression, and telling an admissions officer anything about drinking, drugs, or partying undermines your goal. EssayEdge editors have read more essays on ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) than we would hope. Why admit to weakness when you can instead showcase your strengths?

15. If you think you can add diversity to the school to which you are applying, ask: Does my essay specifically demonstrate how my uniqueness will contribute to the realm of campus opinion, the academic environment, or the social life? Every college, professional school, or graduate school wants to increase diversity. For this reason, so many applicants are tempted to declare what makes them different. However, simply saying that you are a black, lesbian female will not impress admissions officers in the least. While an essay incorporating this information would probably be your best topic idea, you must subtly handle the issue by addressing your own personal qualities and how you overcame stigma or dealt with social ostracism. If you are a rich student from Beverly Hills whose father is an engineer and whose mother is a lawyer, but you happen to be a minority, an essay about how you dealt with adversity would be unwise.

Once you have used this checklist for each of the five to seven topics you came up with in Lesson One, narrow the list down to the three topics that most easily pass all of the suggestions above.

a. If more than three topics pass the test above, then simply choose the three that you are most excited about.

b. If fewer than three topics pass the test, go back to your long list in Lesson One and run a few more potential topics through our checklist.

At this point, you might have a topic so inspiring that the essay writes itself. However, even seemingly boring topics can be made into exceptional admissions essays with an innovative approach. In writing the essay you must bear in mind your two goals: to persuade the admissions officer that you are extremely worthy of admission and to make the admissions officer aware that you are more than a GPA and a standardized score, that you are a real-life, intriguing personality.

Unfortunately, there is no surefire step-by-step method to writing a good essay. EssayEdge editors will recast your essay into a beautifully sculpted masterpiece, but every topic requires a different treatment since no two essays are alike. Lessons 3 to 6 will guide you through the various stages of writing a first-rate essay.

One Essay, Multiple Applications

By now, you have figured out that you can save time by submitting the same or similar essays for the applications to various schools. If you are creative, you will be able to plug in many of your answers into some not so similar questions, too. It is fine to lift whole paragraphs or even entire essays and apply them to different questions-as long as you do so seamlessly. Be absolutely sure that you have answered the question asked. Pay special attention to the introductions and conclusions-this is where cutting and pasting is most evident. Thorough proofreading is imperative if you take shortcuts like these. If a school notices that you have obviously swapped essays without even bothering to tailor them to the questions at hand, it shows them that you are lazy and insincere. If the question requires an answer specific to the school, you should show that you have read the college’s web page, admissions catalog, and have an understanding of the institution's strengths.

Lesson One: Business School Essay Question Help

2006-12-17T10:22:00.000-08:00

Why M.B.A.? Questions

Discuss the factors that influenced your career decisions to date. Please describe your professional goals for the future. How will the M.B.A. experience influence your ability to achieve your goals? (Wharton)

Discuss your career progression to date. Why do you want an M.B.A.? How do you envision your career progressing after receiving the M.B.A.? (Tuck)

Specifically address your post-M.B.A. short- and long-term professional goals. How will Darden assist you in attaining these goals?

Briefly assess your career progress to date. Elaborate on your future career plans and your motivation for pursuing a graduate degree at Kellogg.

What are your post-M.B.A. career plans? (Harvard)

This is the most common type of essay question, asked on virtually every business school application. This question asks you to present, clearly and coherently, your all too familiar reasons for wanting an M.B.A. The questions usually consist of a few distinct parts. Most will ask about your past (How has your career progressed to date? What has motivated you thus far?), your future (How do you envision your career progressing? What are your goals for the future?), or both. All of them expect you to relate the information to your present desire to attain an M.B.A.

Since this is usually the first question asked, this essay will be the first one the officers see when they get your file. Let it create your first impression. It is similar to the moment in an interview when you shake the interviewer’s hand and smile. Similarly, your first essay needs to be confident, direct, and to the point. The admissions committee uses this question to ascertain your motivation, maturity, and focus. While undergraduate application essays are understandably fuzzy about career choices and goals, graduate essays should, in contrast, be crystal clear. If you have vague reasons for pursuing an M.B.A., you need to reconsider your decision to apply. Giving a vague response to this question is akin to having a weak handshake and not looking the interviewer in the eye.

You must accomplish a lot in this essay, so pay special attention to structure. You can tackle the question by dividing your answer into three separate pieces. The first can be about your past professional experience. The second can discuss your future career goals. The third can be about the school’s particular program. At each step, demonstrate why and how these experiences, goals, or attributes motivate you to get your M.B.A.

Limiting yourself to one career goal is best, if it is general. If you have a couple of different jobs in mind, that is all right, too. However, your reasons for them should be easily inferred or specifically stated. If you are truly unsure of what your goals are (and we cannot talk you out of applying) always admit so honestly rather than make up something. At the very least, though, give credible reasons for your indecision, and explain why you believe that this school’s program will help you overcome your ambivalence.

Even if the question does not specifically ask for it, articulate why the particular program makes sense for you given your unique professional and personal goals. To do this well, you must spend the necessary time in introspection and also research the school. When you understand the school’s program and positioning, use what you have uncovered only if you can apply it to yourself. Do not write what you think they want to hear. Admissions officers can spot this kind of insincerity from a mile away. They also seek a heterogeneous mix of backgrounds and experiences. Therefore, trying to fashion yourself after your conception of a typical applicant can hurt you even if you do it well. The truer you are to your real motivations and desires, the better your essay will be.

SAMPLE ESSAY:

Discuss the factors that influenced your career decisions to date. Please describe your professional goals for the future. How will the M.B.A. experience influence your ability to achieve your goals? (Wharton)

“Stop foolin’ around, old boy. How would an M.B.A. help you? Better get on with your career.” That’s what they say. Friends, colleagues, others.

I ‘ve heard it all before. “If I were you, I would not do it. Don’t waste your time, get ahead with your studies as quickly as possible”, my professor for experimental physics told me. That was back in ’88, and of course he was not talking about my M.B.A., but about my intention to go to China: Take a special scholarship and go-for a year, to study Chinese, and physics, in China. Get in line, professor. He was just one of many who did not approve of my idea.

But for me, my plan clearly was: A chance, a challenge, and a choice. A chance to open my intellectual door to the world Europeans consider the (psychologically) most distant one from Western culture, and to broaden my view well beyond the usual. A challenge to learn a language Westerners see as one of the most difficult in a compressed timeframe and to adapt to a completely unfamiliar environment-while not letting this impact my overall physics studies timeline. A choice to diverge from the mainstream path to exclusive specialization in a single intellectual realm, not just on a spare time basis-but with serious commitment.

Looking back after seven years, I could not feel more assured that at that time, I made the right choice. My unusual combination of experiences sets me worlds apart from my physics-only ex-fellow students. Working for (Big Consulting Company), (so far) exclusively on international assignments in high tech industries, is the kind of job I had envisioned at that time. I could not have come here without that choice I made back then.

Now I am-on a higher playing field, though-back to square one: Once again, about to make an academic detour form the prescribed path. An unnecessary delay for my career progression.

But stop! Is that at all true? Getting an M.B.A. makes perfect sense for a consultant-after all, most consultants are M.B.A.s. Getting an M.B.A. makes even more sense in my particular case: it is the perfect academic supplement to my physics background-the one I need to become a leading edge high tech consultant. Detailed technology understanding plus profound business and group skills, that is a rare combination which really gets the career rocket roaring. This is certainly true for me, and I think that this is one of my most important and convincing reasons for an M.B.A.

Having spent considerable time and energy studying Chinese and traveling in Asia (and the rest of the world), an exclusively German career certainly is the opposite of what I am interested in. No cozy, warm place in an easy, totally predictable environment. Guaranteed career progression when the guy above me retires. Getting a dog at 35 and the BMW and house that go with it. No thanks.

So what is it I am interested in? I want to be where the guerilla wars of business are fought (the shoestring traveller resurfaces). Where global language and intercultural/personal skills make the difference. Where intelligence translates into quantum leaps (courtesy of the physicist). This is where I can make my best contribution. In short, I want to be where the action and the challenges are.

For the late 20th and early 21st century, this means, in terms of topic, clearly one industry: High Tech (just watch the stock market). I am well equipped for this with my physics background. In terms of region, it clearly means Asia. Through language study and travel exposure, I have come a long way in getting myself prepared. In terms of function, it clearly means strategy consulting. If there is any place better for this than (Big Consulting Company), please let me know.

Thus the reasons why I want to go back to university and do a dual degree in business and East Asian studies are: Get myself a thorough business background to put all the pieces of case experience I have accumulated during my (Big Consulting Company), life in their right places and understand their context. Do the same with all my pieces of Asian studies and travel experiences. Get ready for the real action I want to be a part and a driver of-and satisfy academic ambitions lurking beneath the surface of the “hands-on” consultant.

The knowledge I will gain should help facilitate a career change. After extensive work in European High Tech industry, I want to transfer to Asia. Completion of my desired academic program should give me perfect preparation, some initial contacts, and, through a summer internship in Asia, a clear idea of what to expect from working there (in contrast to studying and traveling).

Of at least equal importance, the Lauder/Wharton dual degree program will also give me a clear view on all the options that I have with my very special combination of skills. While I currently cannot imagine going anywhere else but to one of the Asian offices of (Big Consulting Company), after my graduation, I am also realistic enough to understand that there certainly is a number of other opportunities out there which I would be attracted to, but just know nothing about at this time. I am a firm believer in having many options and in exploring quite a few in detail-whatever position you’re in, there may always be one which is an even better fit with your ambitions and capabilities.

I think it is obvious why I apply to the Wharton School. Among all the leading business schools, Lauder/Wharton is one of the very few offering a serious joint-degree program that makes sense. With its strong international orientation, Lauder/Wharton offers the type of courses I am looking for. With my diverse set of unusual ideas, experiences and capabilities, I would make a most valuable and colorful addition to the student body of Wharton.

So what are my concrete plans for the time after my graduation? Where in Asia can I be a driver the way described above? One extremely attractive option for me would be helping to set up the (Big Consulting Company), office in (Asian Capital). Or one in (Other Asian Capital). Or in Saigon (Cantonese and Vietnamese are no more different than Swedish and German). But frankly, these are just a few options I can pinpoint now-and I am sure that many more will become apparent during my Wharton experience.

After all, my desire to come to Wharton is just another manifestation of the characteristics that made me go to China a couple of years ago: Take the chance to widen your scope. Accept the challenge that goes with replacing narrow security by broad uncertainty. Make the choice to put all your effort into fully developing and playing out your talents.

So I am not going to take my friends’ advice. They have their dogs already, and the BMW is ordered. Sorry-I am not ready for that.

COMMENTS:

The writer of this essay begins painting a picture of himself by discussing his trip to China. The fact that he took the trip instead of heeding all the advice others gave him shows determination, maturity, and character without him ever having to say the words. He clearly demonstrates why an M.B.A. makes sense for him generally (as a consultant) and specifically (to supplement his technical background). He pointedly bucks the usual stereotype of, “Getting a dog at 35 and the BMW and house that go with it.” Instead, the essayist makes his reasons personal and unique by relating them directly to his professional goal of high-tech consulting in Asia. He then spends a paragraph specifically addressing the Wharton program. To demonstrate the sincerity and focused nature of his goals further, he lists a few very specific options that will be available to him once he graduates.

Certainly, his background and experience make him unusual. However, his style makes him stand out. The essayist consistently uses questions to transition to each new point without being distracting. He begins with a question. “Stop foolin’ around, old boy. How would an M.B.A. help you?” Then he carries the theme throughout, “But stop! Is this all true?” and “So what is it I am interested in?” Finally, he writes, “So what are my concrete plans for the time after my graduation? Where in Asia can I be a driver the way described above?” To every question he asks he gives a succinct and pointed answer. He concludes by subtly reiterating his main points of chance, challenge, and choice. His last sentence adds the final stylistic touch by referring back to the question posed in the first sentence. In doing this, he effectively nails down the impression we have formed about his character-without him ever having to espouse his own virtues directly.

Contribution and Diversity Questions

Your background, experiences, and values will enhance and diversify Kellogg. How? (1-2 double-spaced pages)

The Darden School seeks a diverse and unique entering class of future managers. How will your distinctiveness enrich our learning environment and enhance your prospects for success as a manager?

Every essay question on the admissions application is geared toward the same thing. Committee members want to find out who you are, what makes you different from everyone else, and how you will contribute to the school if accepted. This question asks these things outright. Because it asks so directly what the admissions committee wants to know, this is one of the most common questions you will find. The question has a structure similar to the Why M.B.A.? question. It asks both Why us? and Why you? However, the nature of this question lends itself to a more personal response. Whereas the Why M.B.A.? question asks what you have done, what you want to do, and how that relates to the school, this question asks about who you are and how it relates to the school. The Why M.B.A.? question asks about your experiences, and this question asks about your qualities.

Just as you brainstormed about your experiences, actions, and goals for the first question, brainstorm about your qualities and characteristics for this one. What sets you apart from everyone else? What words do friends and family use to describe you? For some people, the focus of this question will come easily. A minority can choose to focus on their racial or ethnic differences. A person with an unusual professional background may use this question to turn this potential weakness into a strength. Anyone with a particular talent or calling, such as an athlete or a musician, can use that as a topic. Less obvious characteristics can work just as well. Are you one of those people who are forever getting tagged with an identity? Do people say, “You know Chuck, the funny one,” or “There’s Jane, the history buff.”

If you consider yourself to be a fairly typical candidate with a broad range of interests, you may feel nervous about not being able to identify yourself with any one particular activity or defining trait. You should not be worried. Listing the combination of qualities that make you unique is perfectly acceptable. None of your qualities has to be particularly unique by itself-whatever is real and true will work perfectly. What words do people use to describe you? Are you a risk taker? An academic? A leader? Unusually goal oriented? Dedicated? Ethical? A good team player?

The qualities you choose to describe are not nearly as important as how well you back them up. Because this answer tends to contain many adjectives, you absolutely must provide solid examples demonstrating each quality you have listed. You can take examples from either your work or your personal life. You can even be creative and take an example from your childhood, if you wish, as long as whatever you choose effectively proves that you are what you say you are.

Because this question asks “How will you contribute to our school?” it provides you with a perfect opportunity to prove that you have researched and targeted yourself to the particular school. Match your distinctiveness in whatever way is natural to the distinctiveness of the program. Show the admissions committee that you are not just perfect for business school in general, you are perfect for their business school.

SAMPLE ESSAY:

Your background, experiences, and values will enhance the diversity of Kellogg’s student body. How?

During my senior year in college, my father was diagnosed with terminal skin cancer. Like most cancer patients, he spent the majority of his time in the hospital; he often spoke of how nice the staff was, and how much his stay was enriched by the services offered by the volunteers. I felt a great debt to those people who helped my father and mother during that difficult time, and I wanted to do the same for other people in similar situations.

When I moved to New York after graduation, I decided to volunteer at the Sloan-Kettering Memorial Hospital until I found a job. Over the next few months, I worked thirty hours a week helping patients and their families. One of the most rewarding experiences at the hospital was organizing patient voting for the 1992 Presidential election. I was responsible for coordinating the procurement and distribution of absentee ballots with nurses, patients, hospital staff, and the various voting administrations within the five boroughs of New York City.

The response was overwhelming. The patients were overjoyed to be included in the voting process. I knew from my father that the most demoralizing circumstance of a prolonged hospital stay was the feeling that the world was passing you by. On that November day, however, I was able to help those patients feel like part of society again. I will always be grateful for that.

Once I found a job, I had to curtail my hours at the hospital, but I did not stop my volunteer work. And although my job prohibits me from volunteering as much as I’d like, I still try to find the time. My volunteer work has allowed me to help others cope with the terrible pain of illness, which I have experienced first-hand and through my family. The satisfaction that I gain when I help patients and their families is unlike any other feeling I have ever had in my life.

I’ve found that my work also helps me to deal with and accept the loss of my own father. If it were not for him, I never would have started volunteering. The good work I do is a constant tribute to his memory.

As an individual, I have learned the benefits of altruism, and I firmly believe that companies should also take an active role in philanthropy. I was pleased to see in the admissions brochure that other Kellogg students feel the same, as demonstrated by their Business with a Heart program. I know that my unique perspective and experiences would contribute to this group, and enable me to enrich the lives of the community as well as those of my fellow students.

COMMENTS:

This essayist is a good example of someone who chose to focus on one trait rather than several. By choosing only one quality, her essay is concise, to the point, and easy to read. She also leaves a strong impression by introducing only one theme. This essay is particularly strong because the writer does not simply label herself as a volunteer and leave it at that. She makes the topic personal. First, she walks us through her motivation, then through the experience itself, and finally through how it has affected her and made her different. She gives details to bring each of these steps alive but manages to do so in a very short amount of space. She even specifically details how this experience will help her contribute by listing the name of the program she has targeted.

Accomplishment Questions

Describe the two accomplishments that occurred in the last five years of which you are most proud. (Columbia)

Describe your three most substantial accomplishments, and explain why you view them as such. (Harvard)

Describe your achievements within the last five years that are good indicators of your potential for a successful management career and why you view them as such. (Michigan)

What is your most valued accomplishment? Why? (Kellogg)

Your answer to this question will say a lot more about you than simply what you have accomplished. It will show the committee what you value, what makes you proud, and what you are capable of accomplishing. Applicants make a common mistake when answering this question-they repeat information found elsewhere in the application. A good student, for example, will be tempted to fall back on stressing his or her high G.P.A. or G.M.A.T. score. A person who has won a number of awards or acknowledgments will try to include all of them and end up turning their essay into little more than a prose list. Many of the questions specify that you choose one, two, or three specific accomplishments as a way of avoiding this kind of response.

If you do choose an accomplishment that the committee is already aware of-such as your induction into Phi Beta Kappa or a promotion that appears on your resume-then bring the experience alive. Demonstrate what it took to get there and how it affected you personally. Do not be afraid to show committee members that you are proud. This is not the place for modesty. However, do not fall to the other extreme either-you can toot your own horn, but do it without being didactic or preachy. You will not have to worry about either extreme if you keep your essay short and to the point. Spend the bulk of your essay simply telling the story.

If you are having trouble choosing something to focus on, then remember that the best essays are often about modest accomplishments. What you accomplished does not matter as long as you found it personally meaningful and can make it come alive. Unless specified, the accomplishment can be professional, personal, or academic. Did you get a compliment from a notoriously tight-lipped, hard-driving manager? Did you lose the race but beat your own best time? As an English major, did you work around the clock to bring a C in physics up to an A? Do not think about what they want to hear-think about what has really made you proud.

SAMPLE ESSAY:

Describe the two accomplishments that occurred in the last five years of which you are most proud. (Columbia)

Strategic Advisory for American Savings Bank

In January 1994, my group was engaged by Robert Bass’ Keystone Partners to evaluate their investment in California company, the culminating point of a five-year banking relationship. Keystone Partner however, engaged Goldman Sachs as co-advisor, thereby infuriating the Lehman team. We swore to keep control of the valuation process by solely handling the modeling work including complex simulations and projections, which I was solely responsible for. I quickly drafted a couple of pages that I distributed to both teams. Overnight, the Goldman team reproduced them line by line and sent them directly to the client as their work. It was a great strike against our team. I decided to design a completely different model, and to draw upon the information that I could gather from a long and fruitful client relationship with Lehman Brothers. I convinced the senior vice president, vice president and associate who had covered the company for years to pass on their knowledge, persuaded them to be available for 36 hours straight to answer all my questions, and for four more hours to be trained by me on the model. I designed a 23 page model, stuffed with information, that we presented to the 42 person working team, gathered at our request. The presentation, led by myself for technical explanations and the senior vice president for strategic conclusions, was a great success. The Goldman Senior Partner, recognizing the “excellency” of our model, proposed that I remain in charge of “all the number”.

I value this experience because I gained respect from the senior executives at all three firms. But most of all, although one of the most junior banker, I was able to inspire a cohesive spirit to our team in pursuing our goal to produce a high quality presentation.

Learning to Surf

My move to Los Angeles in August 1992 represented not only a great professional challenge-to work with only two senior bankers and cover all California financial institutions-but also a personal opportunity, a chance to broaden my horizons. I grew up in Paris and lived in the capital for 21 years before moving to New York; I definitely was a city girl! Los Angeles demanded however that I adapted to a whole different world, where sport rather than opera rhythms the season. I knew that my first year in the Los Angeles office would be extremely busy due to the small size of my group. In fact I averaged 90 hours of work per week that year. To keep my sanity and maintain a good spirit, I resolved to try and learn a sport that had always fascinated me: surfing. Thus I bought a brand new wetsuit and longboard and started the experience bright and early on a sunny Saturday afternoon under the merciless scrutiny of the local surfers, all males, who did not hide their contempt for my pale skin and weak arms so typical of investment banking Corporate Analysts. Surfing seemed at first an impossible mission: my board always mysteriously rebounded on my head, while the waves would break exactly where I was paddling. At work, there was an explosion of laughter when I proudly exposed my (only) personal project: why, a twenty-six year old Parisian, surfing? This had to be French humor! I resolved however to practice every week-end before coming into the office. Last summer, I finally stood up on my board and rode the wave to the beach. It was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life and although I still surf regularly, nothing matches my first wave nor the pride that I felt. Because I received little help and encouragement but prevailed, I cherish this experience which was actually a tremendous confidence builder.

COMMENTS:

The writer demonstrates a nice balance between her professional and her personal achievements. Her first accomplishment shows the essayist to be a savvy business professional and highlights her good political sense, dedication, and technical skill. The second accomplishment rounds out the image by painting a picture of a young, healthy, active woman willing to take risks and learn new skills at the expense of laughter and embarrassment. The latter may have been a personal achievement, but these translate into very lucrative professional skills as well.

Leadership Ability Questions

Describe a situation that tested your leadership skills. How did you manage the situation? (Harvard)

Discuss two situations in the past four years where you have taken an active leadership role. How do these events demonstrate your managerial potential? (Anderson)

This question is similar to the accomplishment question. You can employ similar tactics to answer it. Choose situations that are real and meaningful to you, not what you think will impress the committee the most. Do not limit yourself to using situations from only your career, especially if the question asks you to give more than one example.

This question shares common ground, surprisingly, with the ethical dilemma question because ethical dilemmas often call on leadership abilities for resolution. Keep this in the back of your mind so you can strategize if one of your applications asks both questions. On the other hand, be careful not to bring unnecessary attention to questionable situations when not absolutely necessary. Ethical dilemma questions are notoriously difficult, this question does not have to be.

SAMPLE ESSAY:

Discuss two situations in the past four years where you have taken an active leadership role. How do these events demonstrate your managerial potential? (Anderson)

Wellwork Action Team

After working nearly a year as a production engineer, one morning I experienced a kind of epiphany. I realized that our profit center had effectively gained manpower and resources in the form of increased attention from vendors with whom we had recently formed strategic alliances. By improving communication between these vendors as well as between our profit center and these companies, I envisioned a unified approach that could improve and expedite our production operations. With the encouragement of the operations superintendent, I arranged a brainstorming session for supervisory level personnel from our operations staff and our new alliance partner’s companies. From that session, a “Wellwork Action Team” was created with the specific purpose of improving and streamlining our operations procedures in order to reduce the cost of increase the quality of our projects in the field.

After being chosen facilitator for our Wellwork Action Team, I set for myself two personal goals: first, to maintain enthusiasm among team members and second, to implement the ideas and concepts brought forth by our team into our everyday procedures. To ensure continued involvement, I first convinced myself that the potential benefits that might be gained from having this team merited the time and energy of its participants. Next, I personally committed myself to the project and firmly discussed my commitment with each of team members. Third, I led the team in drafting a mission statement and clearly defining our goals. We identified measurements by which we could evaluate our progress. Finally, I promised the team members that we would keep meetings to a minimum and re-evaluate the usefulness of our team in eight weeks.

From June 1995 to the present, our Wellwork Action Team has successfully increased efficiency in our oil pumps, reduced electrical costs by 6 percent, and nearly doubled the production of three oil wells. As our team continues to evolve, we envision reducing our wellwork budget from $5.0 million/year in 1995 to $4.6 million/year in 1996 while maintaining oil production and reducing operating expenses. Our current challenges include overcoming conflicts in the schedules of our team members and providing for long-term oil recovery as well as short-term cost reduction.

Applying New Technologies

When most people envision an oil well, they picture ten-foot-high rod pumping units, the kind common to Los Angeles and West Texas because of their durability, availability, and efficiency. With 300 wells on a mere 10 acre island, however, these units are impractical for our use; a less efficient, higher cost and lower-profile type of centrifugal pump is employed by our company. Recently, a small L.A. firm invented a new method of using common rod-type pumps without the bulky surface equipment. This marriage of new technology with old rod-style pumping appeared to have significant potential for reducing costs on our island. Although I do not normally design our pumping equipment, I assumed active project leadership when deciding to install the first unit and apply the new technology.

Because our operations personnel and vendor partners were unaccustomed to handling hundreds of 30-foot long rods and putting them into use, I met with the inventor of the new subsurface equipment and two related vendors who would supply the rods. Rather than provide specifications to each vendor for a bid as is customary, I chose one vendor from the onset and entrusted him with the project. I assigned him to work with the inventor of the new equipment and asked them to together devise a low cost, high quality engineering design for us. In doing so, the possibility existed for them to overdesign and overprice the equipment, reducing efficiency and thus defeating our purpose. Nevertheless, a tremendous upside potential existed in allowing the vendors to harmonize their efforts and experience. I hoped to receive a superior product born from the sweat equity of their two companies.

My strategy was tested in November 1994 when two units were installed. They have operated without failure since installation and have reduced operating costs by 38 percent on those wells. In this instance, my management challenge was to delegate non-traditional responsibilities to our vendors. I feel that this experience has improved our business process and taken us further down the path towards mutually beneficial business relationships with our vendors. I will continue to work in this manner, keeping a careful eye out for the abuse potential created when allowing a vendor to design and price their own equipment for our applications.

COMMENTS:

These two examples have several positive qualities. First, they are concise and well structured. Second, although both situations come from the professional sphere, they balance well with each other. One focuses more on office policy and stresses the applicant’s ability to see the big picture in management. The other deals with an in-the-field hands-on engineering solution and stresses his inventiveness, attention to detail, and technological skills. Third, these examples stress unique background-not many business school applicants would understand how to design oil-pumping equipment. They show that he is not afraid to get his hands dirty. Finally, the essayist gives very detailed proof of tangible results.

Hobby and Extracurricular Questions

What one nonprofessional activity do you find most inspirational and why? (Wharton)

For fun I . . . (Kellogg)

Outside of work, I most enjoy . . .

What interests do you have outside your job and school? (Tuck)

This question offers a prime opportunity to differentiate yourself by presenting a vivid description of your life outside of work. Business schools are interested in balanced, likable applicants. Your professional life is only part of an interrelated whole. Business schools expect you to demonstrate the same level of dedication and passion in outside activities as you do in business. They are also well aware that many of the best business-related ideas occur when people are not at work, so what you do out of the office has a measurable impact on what you can do on the job. Besides, funny, offbeat, interesting people make work, school, and essays more exciting. Communicate feelings of passion, commitment, and devotion. Wherever possible, demonstrate the leadership abilities you have developed in these activities.

SAMPLE ESSAY:

What one nonprofessional activity do you find most inspirational and why? (Wharton)

A little over two years ago I began tutoring high school students in several types of mathematics, including preparation for the S.A.T. Test. While I did this initially to earn money, I have continued to tutor (often pro bono) because I enjoy the material and the contact with the students.

I have always enjoyed math tremendously. I can remember riding in a car for long distances as a child and continuously calculating average speeds and percentages of distances covered as we traveled. In college I took upper division math classes such as Real Analysis and Game Theory (and placed near the top of the curve) though they were not required for my major. All this time spent playing with math has left me with a deep understanding of the way numbers work and the many ways in which problems can be solved.

When I first began tutoring I was stunned to find that most of the kids I worked with, although very bright, not only lacked the ability to solve complex problems, they were very uncomfortable with some of the basic principles of math. This discomfort led to fear and avoidance, and the avoidance led to more discomfort. A vicious cycle began. Instead of seeing math as a beautiful system in which arithmetic, algebra and geometry all worked together to allow one to solve problems, they saw it as a bunch of jumbled rules which made little sense that they were forced to memorize.

As a tutor, I found that it was important when starting with a new student to find out where his/her discomfort with math began. Often, this meant going back several years in their education to explain important basic concepts. For some students, fractions and decimals were the point at which math stopped making sense. For many others, it was the introduction of letters to represent numbers in algebra. Some students found that identifying their weaknesses was an embarrassing process. I explained to them that it was not their fault. Everyone comes to understand new concepts in math in a slightly different way, and the problem was that no teacher had taken the time to explain their “problem area” in a way which would make sense to them. Since math was a system, once they missed out on that one building block, it was not surprising that the rest of it did not make sense. Our mission together would be to find the way in which the system worked for them.

Once we had identified the initial “problem area,” I would spend a lot of time getting the student to play with questions in that area from a lot of different perspectives. For example, if fractions were the problem, then I would create games to get the student to think of fractions in terms of division, ratios, decimals or other equivalent systems. This would often be a fairly unstructured process, as I wanted to see how the student’s mind worked and keep them from feeling any anxiety. Usually it did not take long for the concepts to start becoming clear to the student, as he/she played with the numbers in the absence of the pressure of school. My goal was to not just white wash over a students weaknesses with a few rules which would be quickly forgotten, but to help them develop an understanding and an appreciation for the underlying principles.

I found this process to be very satisfying for both myself and the young men and women that I taught. It was a wonderful feeling to have a student laugh out loud with relief as a principle which had been unclear and causing anxiety for years suddenly made sense. Once these old “problem areas” were cleared up it was usually quite simple to make clear the subjects that they were working on at the time, especially since I already had an understanding of how they were best able to understand new concepts. Again, I found it important to get the student to play with the new material and look at it in several ways so as to develop a true understanding of the material.

I was quite successful as a tutor. One young man increased his Math S.A.T. by 150 points. Another student improved so dramatically in geometry, her test scores jumped from about 55 percent to over 90 percent, that her teacher kept her after class and asked if she was cheating. Although most of my students did not improve this dramatically, I walked away from every lesson that I gave feeling that I had helped someone understand and enjoy math. I hope to be able to continue teaching, if only for a few hours a week, for the rest of my life.

COMMENTS:

This essay shows that this applicant is dedicated not just to helping people, but to academics, learning, and math. His tutoring does not make us believe his sincerity; the thoughtfulness and detail with which he describes it do. He has put obvious time into developing an effective method of teaching. The writer shows that he is result-oriented by measuring his success in terms of real numbers and percentage increases. Someone who applies such standards of accountability to his extracurricular life is sure to bring the same standards to school and business.

Role Model Questions

Describe the individuals that you look up to as role models in your professional work. (Michigan)

Describe the characteristics of an exceptional manager by examining someone whom you have observed or with whom you have worked. Illustrate how his or her management style has influenced you. (Tuck)

If you could walk in someone else’s shoes for a day, whose would you choose and why? (Chicago)

Business schools learn a lot about your professional development through your description of your mentors. They can determine not only what you have learned but the types of people from whom you have learned. However, like the accomplishments question, this question shows a lot about your values and standards. It is a little like getting to know a person by the people with whom he or she chooses to spend time. If you are skeptical, consider the different impression you would have of the candidate who admires a dynamic, colorful, public leader compared with someone who looks up to an accomplished but soft-spoken academic.

Who you chose is more important than how you portray that person. In other words, do not choose a person because you think it will impress the committee. Name dropping is not only obvious, it is ineffective. If your mentor is a public figure, be sure to demonstrate that you have a real, direct relationship with and that you learned tangible lessons from the person. Keep your essay short and simple. Never elevate your mentor at the expense of yourself. Show admiration, not awe. In other words, choose a mentor, not a hero. A mentor is someone whom you realistically aspire to emulate, whereas a hero’s qualities are beyond our reach.

If the question calls for more than one mentor, try comparing two very different people or people from two unrelated areas of your life. Show how you incorporated the best pieces of wisdom from both. As always, use concrete examples both when describing these people and when demonstrating the effect they have had on you. Do more than list their qualities-tell a story that shows how they have put these qualities to use.

You can follow these steps to structure this essay:

1. Introduce the person and the context in which you know him or her.

2. Describe a few of the mentor’s key qualities that you most admire.

3. Relate one or two particular scenarios that demonstrate these qualities.

4. Describe what you have learned from the person. What do you now do differently as a result of having known your mentor? How have you or your actions changed?

5. Be concrete. Cite specific examples of things that you have learned. Describe the situations in which you learned these things. Show how you have used this knowledge to your professional advantage.

A variation on the question is, “If you could walk in someone else’s shoes for a day . . . .” This is a cross between an ideal career question and a role model question. Whereas the other role model questions ask for mentors, this question asks for heroes. You do not need to make your response as realistic-feel free to loosen up and have fun. However, always consider what committee members will infer from your choice. Answer this question more concisely than you would the role model one. Simply state who you would choose and answer why. Did you choose this person because he or she is similar or dissimilar to you? Did you do choose your mentor for what you can learn from that person or to effect a change? Would you ever seriously consider this person’s life as a career, or are you just having fun?

SAMPLE ESSAY:

Describe the characteristics of an exceptional manager by examining someone whom you have observed or with whom you have worked. Illustrate how his or her management style has influenced you. (Tuck)

In management consulting, strong analytical skills are valued as much as, if not more than, effective managerial and leadership skills. Unfortunately, for some consultants, these characteristics, at times, are mutually exclusive. I was fortunate, however, to work with [name] on my first major project at [consulting firm]. As my project manager, he demonstrated a superior combination of leadership, managerial, and communication skills. As a result of our interaction, I learned several important lessons and tools that I used on subsequent projects to improve my effectiveness as a team leader.

To begin, [name] is a true leader who exhibits courage and dedication. A powerful trait rarely found in the realm of business, courage is unique in its ability to unify and motivate people. Moreover, his courage is balanced appropriately with professionalism, strong values, and humility. He is sensitive to others’ feelings and recognizes that different people require different types of direction and treatment. Although he often works with diverse and difficult groups, he always seems able to reach consensus and create a shared vision and purpose. Furthermore, he excels at establishing priorities and proactively setting direction.

As an effective manager, [name] also is able to translate his broad direction into discrete, tangible tasks. Since consultants often use difficult or creative analytical approaches, clearly articulating tasks and defining outputs is very important. In addition, he exercises the appropriate level of supervision. Rather than micro-managing his team members, [name] establishes clear accountabilities and expectations and pushes work down to the correct level. As a result, he creates a strong sense of ownership and leverages the skills of his team members. Furthermore, he excels at creating a supportive environment and, when necessary, coaching team members to help them develop new skills.

Finally, [name] is a masterful communicator. He is the only project manager I have had who gave me consistent and constructive feedback, importantly, both positive and negative. Such feedback not only provides clear developmental objectives, but also signals to others that he values their contributions. This type of balanced and open communication quickly forms the foundation of mutual trust and respect. Furthermore, [name] excels in the art of negotiation and debate. He states his points with remarkable precision and is expert at remaining objective and recognizing all sides of an argument. And, regardless of the volatility of a situation or the strength of his feelings, he always listens to all positions patiently and effectively controls his demonstration of emotion, thereby gaining the respect of others and lending additional credibility to his positions.

Given my limited experience managing teams, my exposure to [name] was central to my early success at [consulting firm]. For example, although I had considered myself a leader in athletics, I had not learned to translate those skills into the business arena. [Name] taught me several effective methods to lead teams. Admittedly, as a highly motivated young analyst with very high work standards, I also lacked many of the skills required for effective team leadership. However, I quickly learned the importance of flexibility and became more comfortable providing feedback and directing the work of others. Furthermore, through his example, [name] taught me the importance of objectivity and the utility of several effective communication techniques. For example, I learned to use my sense of humor as an effective tool to persuade, disarm, or motivate others.

Early in my career at [consulting firm], I had several rare opportunities to lead client teams. In part due to the lessons I learned from [name], these projects were a great success. As a result, I went on to manage a half dozen diverse and difficult client teams that ranged in membership. With each project, I further refined the lessons I learned from [name] and developed new techniques for leading and managing teams. Due to my rapid development, I was promoted to [position], a managerial, post-M.B.A. position at [consulting firm], signifying that I can progress to the partner level. Although I realize my tool kit is far from complete, these skills will be invaluable both in business school and beyond.

COMMENTS:

This is another essay that stands out because of its solid writing and superior organization. It starts with a bold assertion to catch the reader’s attention and then uses the assertion to introduce the mentor’s most outstanding quality. Each of the next three paragraphs clearly asserts and describes an additional supporting quality. The essay concludes with examples of how the mentor’s influence has tangibly affected the writer’s actions and work performance, resulting in rapid promotion.

Failure Questions

To recognize that effective managers are able to learn from failure, describe a failure that you have experienced. What did you learn from the experience? (Harvard)

Any applicant who tries to claim or assert perfection on the application would, at best, be treated as a joke. No one is perfect, and no admissions committee expects perfection. Yet, more than any other question, this one strikes fear into the hearts of applicants. However, answering this question does not need to be difficult. You must get past the biggest hurdle-your own reticence.

Failure often results from good intentions and admirable qualities such as initiative, leadership, and risk taking. Take advantage of the fact that failure will sometimes result from our best qualities. Any leader who has tried to forge a new path has made a mistake somewhere along the way. If you are honest and forthright about the mistake you made, people will remember the intention over the result. Besides, the committee is not interested in judging you on your mistake, they simply want to know how you dealt with it. The only real way to flunk this question is to dodge it. If you choose a trite or irrelevant topic, the committee will either question your honesty and your maturity or doubt your ability to lead, take risks, and think outside the box.

If you are having trouble choosing a situation, consider the following guidelines:

1. Choose something that has happened recently. Delving too far into your past is an obvious cop-out.

2. Do not limit yourself to professional failures, but do not shy away from them either. Admissions committees are aware of the risk inherent in choosing job failures and will give you points for being forthright.

3. Do not choose anything overly dramatic or that would call your morals into question. The reader should be able to relate to your failure, not be shocked by it.

If you cannot clearly state what you learned from the incident or the actions that you took to amend it, then pick something else. When you are writing, take a simple, straightforward, objective tone. Do not try to excuse your actions. Let your story speak for itself. Keep your essay as concise as possible.

Very Personal Questions

If we had met you five years ago and then met you again today, how would we say that you have changed? Include specific examples that characterize your development. (Sloan)

In thirty to forty years, when you reflect back on your life, what criteria will you use when judging if you have been successful? What are the main achievements/events that you hope will have taken place? (Anderson)

Please provide us with a summary of your personal and family background. Include information about where you grew up, your parents’ occupations, your siblings, and perhaps a highlight or special memory from your youth. (Anderson)

Each of us has been influenced by the people, events, and situations occurring in our lives. How have these influences shaped who you are today? (Stanford)

What seminal influences or experiences, broadly defined (a book, teacher, friend, relative, sojourn, hobby, and so forth), have especially contributed to your personal development? What correlation, if any, does your personal development have to your professional goals? (Berkeley)

Describe yourself and the significant events that have shaped you. (Michigan)

All essay questions, as we have already mentioned, are a way for the admissions committee to learn more about you personally. The getting personal questions just ask more directly than others. They give you a direct opportunity to speak for yourself. They can be tricky, though, because they are often extremely open-ended.

Be selective. You cannot include every detail about yourself, so you have to pick wisely. Some applicants want to tell everything, fearful that they will leave out a crucial detail on which their acceptance, and future, could hinge. Do not give in to this temptation. Instead, focus on one or two significant qualities or characteristics that give the admissions committee genuine insight into you.

Many of the questions in this category are worded creatively or ask you to use your imagination. This is intended to get you to loosen up and be yourself. If the question takes you off guard, let it-it means the committee is looking for an unguarded answer. This makes many applicants uncomfortable. They try to present themselves objectively but end up distancing themselves from the subject matter with overly long words and a dry, academic tone. This is a grave mistake since the whole point of this essay is to reveal something about yourself. Therefore, put your heart into this essay.

This category does not have one standard question-every school asks it in a different way. Although each school’s question will differ from the next, most of the personal questions still fit into one of three categories: personal development, personal goals, or personal background and influence.